musings.

This past year has been CRAZY. I really cannot believe that there's two more days of 2011 left! Where does all the time go? It seems to pass by faster and faster as I grow older.

I actually wrote a post a few days ago about everything I've been going through in regards to the death of my grandfather, and deleted it a few hours later. It really is strange to say goodbye to someone you love a lot, and to only hope in God's sovereignty and have no complete assurance about his whereabouts in the next life. I was crying as I typed, and I wrote with transparency (which is something I don't usually struggle with, I've actually been called out for being "too transparent") but that's the weird thing about me...once something really hurts or just bothers me, I don't say anything. But a million things go on in my head and in my heart. All I can say is: thank you for your prayers, and thank you to my good friends who asked me how I was doing. I usually shrugged it off with an "I'm okay, these things happen." But I was hurting. And sad. It bothered me a lot.

One of the good things that came out of this season of my family's life is that we are all closer and more loving. I guess it's times where you lose such important people in your life, that you stop caring about the silly dumb things. That happened to me, anyway, and I'm not worried about my wedding at all. I still have strange dreams (the other night, I had a dream I was at my wedding and never saw Kevin! We kissed and he disappeared. And another where tons of people didn't show up and we wasted a lot of money!) But anyways, I'm just really happy that I'm going to start a new chapter of my life with my best friend, and to experience the joys of marriage. Praise God!

I have a lot of things I need to hand over to God. Such as: being fiercely protective over my girl friends. I've heard the quote "You are what you protect." And I guess it just really strikes a nerve in me to see my girlfriends hurt by Christian men, especially since so much of my life has been watching the women in my family getting hurt. When Christian men hurt women, it doesn't really make sense to me. Of course, they do not intend to (I can only pray and hope). Sometimes, they may not even know what they do wrong, which I still have a hard time dealing with. Anyways, I have a lot of single girl friends and this past year was RIDICULOUS. Maybe it's just this year specifically. But every close girl friend of mine seemed to get hurt by men who were so called Christian! So many stories, so many tears, so much anger boiled within me. I was goin' crazy! I was ready to go all Xena Warrior Princess status on all those guys' butts!!!!! For real!!!! I really need to pray to God for me to be kinder and gracious to those men. At a party, I saw one of them and didn't say anything, but I had like seven people asking me what was wrong! I guess it's written on my face. Or, I'm usually so loud and laughy that when I'm not everyone is worried. Dang... Only God knows what I'll be like if I'm the mother of tons of daughters. Honestly, I only want one daughter. Knowing God, I'll have like 7!! AHHHH!!!! Pray for me about this. I'm very protective of all my girl friends. I'm not excusing the men who hurt them, but I am going to have to answer to God one day and I just want to be more like Christ in this area of my life. It's only inevitable that some of my girl friends will be hurt within the next few years :( I am so blessed to have Kevin as my future husband, and that my prayers have been answered. I am so undeserving, and I guess I shouldn't be comparing every guy to him. But in a sense, and I'm speaking to my fellow engaged, married, or soon to be married gals: don't you want every girl to have a guy like yours? (I don't even know how I would respond if someone answered "No." lol)

Oh, and another quote I loved that I heard this year: "The best thing a father can do for his daughter is love her mother." And I had to think about it for a long time because it made very little sense to me, so I had to imagine what it would've been like for my dad to love my mom. Of course, I can say "Oh, that means it will set the standard for the man the daughter will desire to marry in the future." But it's different when you never experienced it.

Lots of reflection over the past year, and I'm only more aware of how pathetic and sinful I am. God is so gracious. I mean, I knew I was sinful, but MAN i am sinful! Ridiculous! This human nature thing is crampin' my style! HAHA. But anyways, God's really humbled me in many areas of my life...bringing to light parts of me that need to be conformed to what He wants, my fears, my idols, my anger toward anyone who hurts my girls...

It's really nice to have quiet time and reflection with God, and thus the revealing of sin occurs! It's really cool reading what God has said in the Bible too! I'm kind of freaking out and excited, because I'm closer to my goal of reading the entire bible! I just need to read the major and minor prophets. TOO BAD THAT'S LIKE THE TOUGHEST FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND, INTERPRET, AND APPLY!!!!!!!!! I dont know about anyone else, but man...seriously? I read the first 5 chapters of Isaiah today, and was like, "Israel...is such a bad nation!" HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO APPLY THAT TO MY LIFE??? Of course, I am sinful, just like the Israelites (Random fact: did you know that "Israelites" refers to the old Israel, like in Biblical times, so it's considered not correct to use that term for current Israel? That's why they call them "Israelis" today) And I do not hold to the belief that God has replaced Israel with the church. THIS STUFF IS HARD! Or maybe I'm just a dummy. Scratch that, I totally am. But I'm excited :) It's my first time reading the major and minor prophets!

Just wanted to blog before the year ends. Thank you, God, for everything. For being so gracious to a sinner like me! I'm such a coo coo and yet you love me. I can't wait to hug You :) One day.

sneak peak

LOVE IT!

Engagement Photos

Today was an action-packed and fun day! Jamie and I spent the morning and early afternoon together, getting a wedding day trial session for make up and hair, then we went over to meet Kevin at work in Cerritos mid-afternoon. From there, Kev drove us to Los Angeles at Pershing Square. We met our friend Fern Lee, who is an amazing photographer (she photographed 25 weddings last year!) We wanted to go with a winter/Christmas-themed photo shoot, and praise God, because the weather was perfect! And so was the site! There were so many colorful walls, holiday-themed Christmas lights, and of course the city backdrop was nice. Jamie was of course being the mom and carrying around all our props. Kevin felt weird because he's not used to wearing nice clothes lol!! We went to Forever 21 last week and were laughing because we saw Alejo at church wearing a gray jacket, and I knew immediately he got it from there too, because Kevin had tried that one on, along with 5 other jackets he wasn't too fond of! So anyways, of course we were laughing a lot, because Jamie was being Jamie and dictating how to pose:

(During a shot where Kevin and I are supposed to look at each other lovingly)
Jamie: "Kevin, look down and smile at Leigh Ann!"
Kevin:"I am smiling!"
Jamie: " You're so unnatural! Your eyebrows are too high!"

(During a shot where Kevin is holding me)
Jamie: "Kevin, okay, bend down more because you're too tall, then smile at the camera."
(Kevin bends down more and hunches over and looks up at the camera)
Jamie: "Ewwwww, you look like a creeper!"
Kevin: "I'm doing what you're asking for! What do you want me to do?!?!"

(During a shot where Kevin and I have our Bibles and are holding it in front of our faces, only revealing our eyes)
Jamie: "Kevin, why are you hunching over like that? You look like you're EATING your Bible!"
Kevin: "I am doing it because Leigh Ann is really short!"
Me: "HEY!"

The best photos are of me laughing really hard and Kevin doing an awkward smile or looking frustrated and annoyed at Jamie hahahahahhaha But seriously though, Jamie was a huge help; that's what made it even more of a special memory! Before Fern arrived, I asked Jamie to take a picture of me and Kevin by one of the Christmas trees:



Merry Christmas everyone! and Happy Birthday to Jesus!

so hard to do!

this week has been dedicated to making and sending wedding invites (which, btw, was a seriously funny adventure with jamie)...and to also sending messages thru fb to friends (mostly from my college christian fellowship) i haven't seen in a while, saying that i could only invite them to the ceremony and not the reception...and while we haven't talked in a while, i still feel like i know at least one of them will be hurt/sad/offended i wasnt able to invite them to the reception too. but the truth is: i seriously cannot afford them! lol a lot of people say "well, they will understand. it's expensive!" and i know that's true. plus, if they are true friends, they'll be happy bc i'm getting married and will be just as happy being invited to the ceremony only! but i really can't help but feel really sad at the thought of hurting anybody, especially since this is supposed to be a celebration! ayyyyy...this is on my mind bc i seriously spent the last hour sending out messages. maybe i should have done this at the beginning instead of end of the day lol

but on a brighter note: HELLO DECEMBER! it seems like only yesterday that it was last year's december, and christmas time. and so much has happened within one year! goodness! praise the Lord! it's been really tough planning a wedding with limited funds and a very filipino family. i feel SUPER blessed to go to a church which stresses the importance of marriage as a display of the gospel. i'm also very blessed bc i have sisters who are married and young and it's just really cool to share this journey together! tonight at bible study i got to talk to Ate Maritess for a while about how my mom is driving me crazy, and she was like, "That's probably how I made Dayne feel..." and i was like AHHHHH!!!!! lol seriously!!!! my mom and my family are crazy!!!!! but it's progressed from me being really sad...to really angry...to really frustrated...and now it's just become comedic and me having a face that is like "huhhhh?!??!" kevin always tries to comfort me and pats me on the back. "poor babe, dont worry. we'll be married soon!" YEAH BUT NOT SOON ENOUGH BUCKO!!!! hahahahha

i really feel like this whole wedding planning this is showing me how sinful i am! i seriously just...have no patience and no joy when my family and mom are saying things that hurt me or are trying to take over the whole wedding. in one sense, it's justifiable. and in another, it's not. i'm supposed to be self-sacrificing the way Christ is, but where do i draw the line? i really do feel like Kevin is God's act of mercy for me, to have a husband that will love me the way Christ loves the church, but also, to save me from the problems i go through within my home and family life. BAH humbug!

thanksgiving week was really wonderful. i got to see my dad's side of the family, who i haven't even seen in over a year! we were all calling my dad and asking him where he was but we received no call or texts back, so we are assuming he is out of the country somewhere. i also spent some good bonding time with my twin cousin and big butt, and we would spend hours just laughing and watching movies and eating and going to the mall. i think that once i'm married, i'll miss that the most. all 3 of us cuddled in a bed and staying up late and doing whatever we wanted. i can't even imagine switching up the holidays between families! i'll have to adjust, obviously.

God's been good to me and kevin! just when you thought i'd be able to see him more often since he has 1 full time job and going to school, WRONG. he sees me LESS! because he is like super focused on homework and getting stuff done outside of work...i'm a distraction :( LAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!! i'm sorry that i like to smile and make weird faces at him and start talking to him in strange voices. that's just the way i ammm mannn!!! hahahaha but yah, whenever i get to see him, i'm really happy! i seriously cannot wait to marry this guy!

i'm also reading a few books and hopefully will finish them before the year ends:

1. the Bible (going through the OT-now on Nehemiah)

2. This Momentary Marriage by John Piper

3. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

the last book is really random. but i never got to read any jane austen books during high school and wanna touch up on popular novels!

gonna try to sleep with this really loud wind outside. in 8 hours me and jamie are gonna go out to a bridal store appt to try on more dresses, and hopefully find some dresses for bridesmaids.

goodnight, world!

prank of the year

So in the last post I wrote, which was like an hour ago, I mentioned how Kevin's first day of school at Masters College was today (he's studying to get his Bachelors in Christian Ministries) Kev called me when he got out, and guess who else was in his class....

ZACH HOLTER!?!?!?!?!!??!?!??!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kev said as he approached the class he saw Zach sitting in one of the seats, but since he sees Zach almost all the time in every other aspect of his life, he brushed it off. But then he was like, "WAIT...WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE MAN???" Apparently Zach was waiting for weeks to surprise and prank Kevin, also signing up for registration last minute! These guys...

That's a pretty good prank. I wonder what Kevin will do to get him back....hahahhaha I'm so happy they're together again! They were always hanging out before I came in and Kevin had to become serious and work 2 jobs, bla bla bla bla...lol Anyways, I'm really encouraged they're going to be in school together!

Sweet November

I can't believe it's the first day of November already! My goodness, time flies. So many new things have happened! Here's some bullet points to help make the entry I'm posting look more spiffy:

• I haven't had my car for the past 2 weeks because the engine busted. I also have a problem with the transmission :-/ So Jamie (my bff) and Kevin (my boo ;) and Angelica (nursing classmate/Korean popstar lover) have been driving me around everywhere. I'm so blessed to have such serving friends! They always say you never know what you got until it's gone, and MAN it was difficult not having one. The car was repaired yesterday and I'm so thankful to be able to drive around again (to get to school, to drive my auntie to the hospital to take care of my grandpa every day, and to get to work...)
• Praise the Lord! I was given two part-time jobs. One as a tutor for an elementary school (which would be great training for my future as a mother) and also a caregiver (also great training for motherhoood lol). I will work 8 hours as a tutor each week, and 12 hours as a caregiver (this varies...) so about 20 hours a week of work. But it's so nice to have an income, seeing as I'll be a married woman in 4 MONTHS!!! AHHH!!! Also, who knows how long it will be before I find a job as an LVN?
• PRAISE THE LORD EVEN MORE! Kevin is now a student at the Master's College in Santa Clarita! He started the same day as Alejo (AKA TODAY!). They have class once a week on Tuesday evenings. They are both in the Degree Completion program (there are 3 requirements to be in this program: 1) you must be 25 years old, 2) you must be married and 3) you must work full-time...did you notice that Kevin only has one of these requirements down? LOL. they are so gracious to allow him to start asap!) On every other Tuesday we have Excellent Wives Ministry for church, but on the Tuesdays there aren't, I can accompany him and hang around with Bethany! The coolest part about this is that they like to encourage and support marriage so spouses can take the class too! I'm so stoked! Kevin put in his two week's notice last week so he's back in school and getting ready for the long nights of homework, reports, and readings!
• God has really convicted me of my sin of lack of contentment. This whole past year I've wasted countless opportunities to be a light to my classmates and family, because of my grumbling and complaining about whatever wasn't happening my way. I've been so bogged down by my family and by scary teachers, and wish I had handled it better. I've been praying more for contentment in the Lord regardless of circumstances (the Apostle Paul learned to be content in whatever circumstances he was in: Philippians 4:11-12). I have to pray every day to be joyful, and to not be easily angered if my family does something that hurts my feelings. It's really tough. God is humbling me and showing me more and more how much of a sinner I am, in need of His grace and power to be more like Him. The scary thing is...everything that comes out of my mouth is from my heart. My complaining and bitter thoughts are all stemmed from my heart, that's why it says "Watch over your heart with all diligence, for from it flows the springs of life." (Proverbs 4:23).
• Ate Rona told me a while ago to start reading books on how to raise children. I told her that I didn't want to lol. The reason? Well, the last year and a half before Kevin pursued me I always read books on becoming a woman who pleases God and a godly wife and read about gender roles. God was preparing me to be a wife, sooner than I thought! I told her that if i start reading I'm afraid I'd become a parent sooner than I hoped HAHAHA she told me I was being ridiculous, which of course, was the truth! Today I was looking at Parenting magazines and was really happy reading them. Kevin and I don't want to have kids anytime soon after the wedding day, we wanna wait at least 5 years. But who knows? God might have other plans (such as: BOOM baby is out right away, or YOU WILL NEVER HAVE BABIES EVERRRR!!) man...if I was barren I'd be so sad! But if that was God's will for me, what could be better?
• I'm still in school and studying for NCLEX. I have prep classes twice a week (Wednesdays and Fridays). Hopefully I can take my NCLEX by December. It might end up being January or February though. We'll see. I'm actually blogging because I don't wanna study! But after I'm done I'll have to study some more T__T
• Wedding planning is still really slow but I'm glad to know we have a venue for the wedding and reception. I had to switch it up with some bridesmaids because my family wants my cousins to be part of the bridal party, so I'm thankful my friends are lenient and not taking personal offense at the changes. I went from 8 bridesmaids to 5 or 6. It really all depends. Half are good friends, and half are cousins. We'll see how this turns out. Kevin and I hope to have some invites out by the end of this month.
• I like bulletpoints.
• I don't like cilantro.

Okay, I guess it's time to study again. I hope everyone is blessed! I CAN'T BELIEVE 2011 IS ALMOST OVER!!! AHHHH!!! 2012 is just around the corner...who doesn't love new beginnings though? I'm so excited for 2012 :)

wedding of my dreams...

man, i dunno what's going on with me, but recently i've had a LOT of weird dreams. for example:

dream #1: happened a few months ago, but i was at a speedzone place where kids like to go, but i was preparing to get married in this horrendous tie-dye, medieval style dress, getting prepared with some blonde woman and it was just falling apart from behind me as i walked down the aisle! while i was walking, there were kids sliding down big slides next to me ...

dream #2: happened two nights ago, but it was the night before my wedding and i was freaking out because i didn't have a wedding dress and all the stores were closed.

dream #3: happened today during a nap, it was the day of my wedding in a big beautiful catholic church, and i had this tiara and big poofy white dress (ick!) and my dad showed up during the last second to walk me down the aisle with a green barong (???) but then kevin's uncle, who is the pastor marrying us, told me i couldn't walk down the aisle normally. i had to enter through this side door, follow all these spiral patterns on the floor, and kevin was nowhere to be found! i kept looking to the front and he wasn't there! finally we realized he was just sitting in the front aisle chillin', and then they made us sit in this weird place in the center, and kevin just cracked jokes the entire time..... but no one was laughing at his jokes.....

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA POOR KEV. so random! I'm guessing that this is just my weird manifestations of stress before the wedding.

Speaking of which, PRAISE GOD because we have a venue for the reception! Here are the websites for the church and restaurant : http://fbcelsegundo.wordpress.com/

and http://www.reefrestaurant.com/the_reef/

Our wedding will take place March 3, 2012 at First Baptist Church of El Segundo, followed by a reception at The Reef Restaurant in Long Beach, CA. I'm so excited to be Leigh Ann Gausselin :) no more of this Hernandez ish! lol

Random fact: My dad isn't even a Hernandez anymore. His parents divorced when he was little, and he was really angry with his dad for never being there for him, so he changed his last name legally in his 30's to his mom's maiden name: Villasana. i got so mad at him bc he was too lazy to change the paperwork for me! i was like WHY AM I A HERNANDEZ? my dad and mom aren't even hernandez's! i was THISclose to changing it in high school, but it cost too much and the paperwork was annoying. kevin still remembers me telling him about it when we were younger and he was sad about it because i was the special "leigh ann hernandez" of his life haha

yayuhh

"But godliness actually is a means of great gain when accompanied by contentment. For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either. If we have food and covering, with these we shall be content. But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs..."-1 Timothy 6:6-10

woohoo!!!!! Praise the Lord, He is so good, He provided me with a part-time caregiver job!!! :) and the coolest part about it is that it's all day Saturdays (for now) meaning that I will still be able to be involved in all the other ministry opportunities throughout the week (College & Career Bible Study, Friday Night High School Bible Study, Excellent Wives Ministry...) Kevin and I still have tons of wedding planning to follow through with also, and we've visited 11 venues this past month and a half! We are killing it! Not really. We only have 4-5 months left to plan!

God actually convicted me this past month about the dangers of loving money. I told Ate Rona my discipler about it, how I've never really had an income, sure I had summer jobs before, but it's only a matter of time before I work full time as an LVN. The last thing I wanted was to hate my role as a wife in the home...So she's been reminding me about the importance of giving, and how God provides the necessities of life! Ahhh....I'm just really happy I have some sort of income! Those college loans and debt need to be paid off! Woo! It's so nice knowing God is taking care of everything :)

22 going on 23

"every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father.."

-james 1: 17a

man o man, what a year. i'm home and reminiscing about the highs and lows of my 22nd year of life and there were so many things that have happened. my mom's been on my case about getting my hair layered and thinned out so today i got out of class around 145, then arrived at the vietnamese place in westminster (lol hey it's cheap and they do it good ok ;) around 230 and as the nice man cut my hair (the last time he cut it was the day i got engaged! he is strangely around during monumental stepping stones of my life ha!) i prayed and just was really happy that God blessed me so much these last 2 decades! i'm going to be 23 in a few hours and it's just SO nice! i'm so happy! and i have so much to look forward to. for all i know, maybe i won't have much more time on this earth. then again, maybe i'll live longer than any of the friends my age (how depressing, id be like LORD BRING ME HOME !!! lol)

Lows of my 22nd year:

1. Going through many family members not supporting my engagement and having many of them discourage me and tell me I was making a mistake bc i was too young, not financially stable, etc. especially all the crazy comments from my dad!!! ahh he's crazy lol of course, they all LOVE kevin so they did make it a point to say "we do think it's the right guy, just not the right time" ..eventually they came to accept it though. i'm like: mmhmm that's right lol ;) yipee!

2. Gaining a lot of weight being made fun of for it :'(..and now, i know, a lot of girls go "omg i'm sooo fat and i gained soo much weight" bla bla and you kinda just wanna roll your eyes and smack them bc they are like 90 pounds lol but this is for real! i started nursing weighing like 120-125 and now i'm 145 lbs!! I'M LIKE WHOA MAMAZ WHAT HAPPENED?!?! hahahhaa well lets just say people say you gain weight while in nursing school, and statistically most couples gain weight together. ahh why did it have to happen at the same time?! no worries though. imma lose it and scare people at my wedding bc im aiming for the anorexic look (jk jk!)

3. Nursing school was harder than I expected, but that's also because I didn't study as hard. I also really struggled with mean instructors who snap and are impatient (and tomorrow I start at another clinical site with another mean instructor..err!) but hey, i guess i'm being prepared for the real world that way. Not every nurse I run into is going to be nice and helpful to students or patients (which is the reason why I primarily wanted to be a lawyer prosecuting nurses who were negligent and I wanted to specialize in malpractice)...and guess where I am now! Working amongst those specific nurses...lol I do know God is sanctifying me through these experiences though. I'm really happy with all i've learned in nursing!

HIGH HIGH HIGH HIGH HIGH HIGH HIGH HIGH...THERE!

1. OF COUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURSE BEING PURSUED BY THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND THEN GETTING ENGAGED!!!! Woot woooooot!!!! Nothing like it!!!! ..GOD IS GOOD AND GRACIOUS and He gave me a future husband who will lead me and our future bebes to godly living! yayyy!!!! lol Aww. I'm so happy to be with Kevin. my looove! i also like to say that my love verse for him is psalm 37:4 "delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." at that point in my life i really didnt need any body, i was so happy with God, and i just harassed kevin bc he knew more Bible and i wanted to milk him for all his worth and steal parts of his brain and heart hahaha but heyyy i guess he fell for me too as he pursued God ;) aww man i really miss those days of last summer where we both served in ministry!!! ahh paul, i totally understand what you mean by how good it is to be single to spend most of your time not devoted to earthly matters like finances (1 cor 7). I never see him anymore, and that's also a super high of this year:

2. God blessing Kevin with a second job. That was one of my family's major concerns (bc when he first pursued me, he was only working part time at BJ's...now he works 6o-70 hours, as a Medical Claims Examiner at Caremore and also part time at BJ's)...we prayed for Kevin to get a second job so that he could support me as a husband, since I wouldnt be done with school and my Nclex until November...so that was just a nice reminder of Matthew 6:33 :) Seek his will and his righteousness and God will provide the necessities homies! God is so sweet! <3 <3 <3

3. Nursing....YES, the same low is also the same high. lol amazingly enough I feel like I really enjoy caring for the sick and I also realized how much I love babies bc after seeing one born it's like I'm addicted to wanting to see and help more come out of pregnant women! ahhh babies :) I also really love the people I've met in class, and I love hanging out with friends like Angelica and Alona. I dunno, it's really nice bc in the university setting it's difficult to make friends in huge classrooms.

4. Being in ministry at SBCAC...although it was sporadic bc of the limitations of timing with nursing, I had SUCH a blast helping out with VBS and also teaching sunday school and high school ministry...I just loved serving...I dunno...nothing like serving God and His people!

ANYYYYWAYYYZZZZ....that's a long enough post for now. PRAISE GOD FOR ANOTHER YEAR! I'm so happy and looking forward to so many things!

Things to look forward to in my 23rd year (can you tell I like making numbered bullet points?):

1. Finishing nursing school (graduating and taking my NCLEX in November)!

2. GETTING MURRRRRRIEEED!!! YEAYUHHH!!!! Time to spend every morning waking up to my husband and never having to say "goodbye" at the end of the day to separate :( ahh!!! YIPEEE!!! Change of name too: Leigh Ann Gausselin....wait, what...? did you say...Leigh Ann GAUSSELIN?? ahhh :)

Haha well of course we know that God inspires us in the book of James never to plan anything, but instead to say "if God wills.." So many things can happen the next few months! Maybe the rapture will happen and we'll all be in the sky...kevin and i always joke that we will try to get married as we are floated up just to say we got married before we got to heaven haha! holding hands and everything and trying to force pastor to say it as we get closer to Jesus "i pronounce you man and...oh HI JESUS!!!" hahaha or , in a horrible sense, God might take one of us home. And that would be heartbreaking but i also like to try to keep in mind that whatever God wants will happen and it's for the best.

Whatever happens this next year: God is still God, and He is still good, and man I am happy resting in His love and grace :)

PEACE OUT 22. WHAT IT DO 23??? ahhhh praise God. i'm so hyper i wanna go around and chase some ducks or something

rest

I called in sick today for clinicals. My throat was scratchy, I had a headache, and I had a lot of snot coming out of my nose (TMI!!) lol but it was nice to just not stress out and relax at home....

I can't wait to graduate from nursing!!!! One more month plus a week and I'm OUT. Praise God! I need strength lol

"i'm too busy not to pray"

my body is so tired!!!! ahhhhhhhh!!!! and then there's camp this weekend. i hope i don't get sick (i already feel kinda funkayyy) noooo!!! Lord keep me healthy lol

but anywho, God is really good. one of the nicest ways to start out my day is to pray on the way to school. and this is usually the order in which i pray:

1. thanking God (what can u NOT thank him for?!?!) for waking up, for being who He is, for having me alive and healthy, for salvation in Jesus....

2. confessing my sins (always! man i am far beyond perfect. thank God for Christ's righteousness being given to me :)

3. praying for my family's salvation, like my mom and dad and big big butt and billy (ate rona totally called me out on dishonoring my parents, it's really difficult for me when they don't have the same beliefs and completely different moral standards....but if i am in the Spirit and they are not, why aren't i heartbroken and mourning? i told ate rona that sometimes it's just draining and too sad, that i'd rather ignore it, but she's right. it's so easy to "wish my family was different' when really i'm the one who needs to change! God help me. it's also strangely easier for me to be nicer to my dad even though he's let us down more than my mom. i guess cuz my mom's always been there...)

4. praying for my love (for kevin's energy bc he works 60+ hrs, poor thing! for his spiritual walk, for our relationship to be holy and pleasing to God, for our future family and children, for our finances (kevin's 2nd job is still temporary, and i have a lot of loans to pay off so hopefully i get a job asap after i graduate and pass everything i need to) ahhh i love praying for Kevin! HE MAKES ME SO HAPPY! praise God. i still can't believe God gave him to me :)

5. praying for church family (pastor/pastors in training)/married couples (MANG divorce is prevalent! we need protection!!!) my discipler, those i disciple

6. praying for girllll friends/some guy friends haha ;) this takes a while. i'm not going to list them haha

7. praying for school and being a good witness and passing everything

and then i just kinda chat a little with God after that. if i don't have a set routine i usually forget what i wanna pray about so this is helping out a bit, though of course i can always pray more deeply! it's tough to stay focused on God. 20 minutes in a car isn't really enough when one thinks about it.

late night thoughtzzZZzzZZ

Oh my goodness, August is almost over! Time flies. To be completely honest, these past few months have been strange and very testing. A lot of stuff has been going on with some sisters in Christ, then my family has their own set of problems, and I am having a tough time dealing with really mean and condescending nursing instructors/nurses in clinical settings. But! Thank the Lord I have so many truths and promises to keep in mind:

"In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made the one as well as the other..." (Ecclesiastes 7:14a)

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end" (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (James 1:2-4)

Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh. God is so good to me. I wish I would always respond in thankfulness as opposed to bitterness/sadness when times get tough. Thank the Lord that I have a discipler who points me to Christ and to whom I can run and call when I need advice as a young woman growing in the Lord. I just need to endure and persevere. Every tough time has been planned by God to occur in order for me to become more like Christ, it's for my good. Uncle John kept stressing that during marriage counseling bc I opened up to him a lot about my past and background. Easier said than done. I need prayer!

I feel like I barely if ever see Kevin anymore. Also, after this week, in the month of September I'll have night clinicals. Meaning I will see him less!!! WHYYYY!!! lol I miss him so much. Oh wellzies! This is meant to be also, hopefully just for a season. Then we can get married and I can stare at him all the time O__O until he tells me to go away lol

God is good. Praise Him!

Uncle John & Auntie Susie

It's only a few more months before Kevin and I are gonna get married, thank God! Everyone keeps asking me how wedding planning is going and all I can say is: non-existent lol it's the least of my concerns, I'm more involved with schooling and ministry, and am looking for a job, but what I am happy about is we're consistently going to pre-marital counseling with Uncle John and Auntie Susie. Uncle John is Kevin's uncle and also a pastor of a church in El Segundo. Auntie Susie is his wife, and also Kevin's dad's sister. Uncle John is going to be the one marrying us this upcoming February/March 2012.

In an attempt to dodge studying for a HESI tomorrow because I'm burnt out from studying for a Neuro test I took today (praise the Lord I passed! Almost half the class failed it, man it was hard!) I'm going to spend the next few minutes talking about stuff that makes me happy haha then I'll go back to studying blehhhh....

One of the funny things about Uncle John and Auntie Susie is that I heard about them even before me and Kev got together. Back last summer when Kevin and I would hang out, I would tell Kevin about how I desired to be a pastor's wife (oh, how things have changed...I really, honestly do NOT think I have the qualities to be one, praise God for those women who have that strength and virtues! A pastor's wife is called to be and do much) and he would say "Oh you would be a great pastor's wife, you remind me of my Auntie Susie, who's the wife of my Uncle John." and he told me about how Auntie Susie is like, the most social woman and anyone who steps into a church will feel loved and welcomed and part of the family. And then Kevin proceeded to tell me about how he never wanted to get married because he saw no benefit in it, lol, but then he said how he aspired to be like Uncle John, that if he were ever to get married ever since he was a young kid he would want Uncle John to marry him and his future wife. Uncle John is a beast in theology too, Kevin said that the two people whom he holds highest in theological stature is Pastor Felix and Uncle John. Uncle John attended Fuller Seminary (back when it was conservative, and Kevin jokes that John Piper was his classmate..but they actually probably were, Kevin has yet to ask) and then he went to Westminster Theological Seminary (and Kevin explained to me how this is Old Princetonian...because Princeton used to be a Christian conservative school but then it became liberal and so the conservatives separated and branched out to keep the roots alive in Westminster, that's why you hear about the "Princeton theologians") but the cool thing about Uncle John is despite all of his amazing knowledge, he is so humble and loving and MAN I don't think I've ever heard anyone talk like him, he is like a man out of an English movie lol He talks so lovingly about and to his wife, they are so in love and it's just so hard to miss. And he says things so poetic, like, instead of saying "Hey we are running out of time we will continue later" he says "We are just going to have to put a bookmark in this chapter of our conversation..." LOL WHO SAYS THAT?!?! hahahhaa I love them so much! I can't wait to continue learning from both of them. Uncle John teaches us a curriculum he made, but Auntie Susie will sometimes joins us to sit in and it's nice to have her wonderful feminine presence. The last two times we went she had to be shopping for food the homeless people coming and the children (talk about a Proverbs 31 woman!) so she couldn't be with us :( But Kevin and I had a date and watched her perform at a fundraising concert because she sings in a Chorus group. Auntie Susie and Uncle John are in their 50's and are also very tall. Kevin and I talk about how Auntie Susie has such a mothering presence, that every time I see her I just wanna rest on her bosom lol

Anyways, I'm going on and on and on about how amazing this couple is, and I can keep going but I choose to stop. I'm going to make a separate entry about what we learned this last time we met.

"Appreciate what you have. It was once one of the many things you prayed for."

another one bites the dust!

I PASSED THE SECOND HESI! Praise the Lord :) I'm so happy!

But then my teacher told me the last HESI which was supposed to be Monday morning would still be Monday morning...ONLINE. So we could do it at home. Meaning...I COULD HAVE GONE TO RESOLVED x_x omg..so sad...everyone is heading over there right now having fun and fellowshipping. ayyyyy so jealous. lol but then again, these last few weeks have been SO hard because I didn't even know if I would pass either of the HESI's. It's by God's grace I passed the first two. my goodness. I guess this weekend will consist of a lot of rest, cleaning my room, catching up on my reading (Bible and other books), and Kev and I are gonna be visiting the church we'll be getting married at on Sunday along with the reception site. It's gonna be a pretty chill next upcoming week. I'm so stoked! GOODBYE TERM 3! Time for my last term at American Career College. Praise the Lord it's almost over!

growth

after how many journals/diaries growing up, 1 Xanga, 2 livejournals, and this blogger....i can't believe what i used to be like! lol i sound so different. but anyways, i posted this twice and i still laugh when i read it:

The best of Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts:

5. Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

4. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

3. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

2. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?!

1. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

pleasant surprise

Today is Daddy's day, and I texted my popz to see if he wanted to hang out. It's weird bc I always have to initiate hanging out with that crazy man llol otherwise I can go 6 months to a year without seeing him (I've gone longer) but he's my dad and even though he's not around a lot I still love him a lot. I think at heart most women who have dads who are semi-present are Daddy's girls, and I consider myself that, though most of my life I've struggled with resenting him for his absence. Thank the Lord for the change that He brought into my life, two years ago I finally let go of all that anger and am able to be sweet to my Dad and our relationship is a lot better.

My dad texted me back and said "I suppose you wanna eat where Kevin works." I was like DUH. lol so we met up at BJ's and we saw Kev there and they shook hands and did what men do haha weirdos the last time i saw my dad was last month and that was when we told him kevin proposed, and a month before that when I sneakily told dad I craved BJ's but it was really so he could meet Kevin hahaaha no more running away, old man! We met up at BJ's and my dad started talking about he was researching places for my wedding reception and how he would cover most of it, and that he wanted it to be nice. i was like JIGGGGGA SAYYY WHAAAAAAAAAAAT??? Kev walked by and was ecstatic too, bc we both didn't expect my dad to be involved at all. My dad said (and this is the censored version, he is actually very crude and it's kinda amusing watching Kevin's awkward facial reactions to all his inappropriate jokes) "You know, I may be a jerk, but she's my only daughter." Kev and I already know the church we're gonna get married in, it's his uncle's church in El Segundo where he pastors. And Kev and I just thought we would rent some banquet hall and have the women make filipino food in our church (we already talked to Pastor Felix about that, since that's the way it was for Ann and Jason's wedding). I really expected something super simple, and it kinda made me sad bc my mom was REALLY sad about it. You know moms, they're all crazy and live vicariously through their daughters and want the best weddings lol so I felt bad for her, bc I dont care if I have a simple wedding. I can get married in a $20 dress from Forever 21 and be happy with eating at In-N-Out afterward, but I was also bothered bc obviously my mom cares about how the wedding will appear to her friends/coworkers/family and friends on Facebook from the Philippines...you know some maaaaaaaaajor CHISMIS will be happenin' lol but yeah, I told my dad that i was really happy he wanted to be involved! I was actually afraid he wouldn't come to the wedding. He was like "Ugh, I dont wanna go to your Christian ceremony stuff. I'll show up to the reception." and i was like "SORRY POPZ. you gotta walk me down the aisle remember?" and he rolled his eyes and continued talking about all his girlfriends and drama. Crazy old man!

Kevin started happily thanking my dad and was like "Oh man, I'm so happy I feel like calling you 'Daddy' right now!" and my dad was like "I'm not ready for that yet man" and we all started laughing hahaha

My family stresses me out a lot, but it's times like these where you see all the love and care that make me thankful. God's been so good in saving me and really just healing me from the past, and I hope that God saves all of them, especially my dad. I really love my dad. I know he loves me too, even though it's a weird kind of love lol

MAN o Man am I ready to get married! God is so good.

I've got another HESI coming up this week. Please pray for me. I just wanna pass this term and enter into the next last term of the program. YIPEEE!!!! Lots of studying but it's been a great year and I'm so happy. Praise God.

a HUMONGOUS sigh of relief

After praying and praying and praying and freaking out (haha) and studying for hours and hours and then having tons of friends pray for me, I passed my first HESI of the term today with a 74.9% (the passing is 75%)!!!!!! I passed RIGHT ON THE DOT!!! I cried and hugged the teacher hahahha I sound like such a wuss, but that's okay. I drove home and saw Darrel (I texted him and a buncha other buddy buds who prayed for me right after I passed and we praised God together!) and we were laughing bc I told him that I had never studied for anything as hard I studied for nursing school. After 4 years of high school, and 4 years at a university...it's not even close! And an LVN isn't even an associates degree, it's certification, so I can honestly say that I did not expect it to be this hard!!! MAN.

God is so good, I have never passed a HESI before. I had two HESI's the last two terms and failed them, and it never mattered to me because it was only a small percentage of my grade. But this term, the school changed the policy so that there would be 3 HESI's during my third term and it would be 40% (first HESI 15%, second HESI 15%, and last one is 10%) of my whole grade! I have two more to go, but I'm relieved because 15% of my grade is already taken care of. The worse that could happen if I still end up failing the term is that I would need to repeat the term, and possibly push back the wedding until after I finish. It's really nice too because I I just took a lot of time to prepare my heart that even if I was let down, to be grounded that God is good and He is faithful and His will would be done.....I've been on this plan to read through the Bible from beginning to end, and I'm in 2 Kings, and unfortunately I haven't been faithful to reading every day bc of nursing school. It's actually been a really tough 8 months because of distractions and busyness, but I'm trying to get back on track and am just thankful that God is faithful and teaching me new things everyday.

PRAISE GOD! I am so happy and relieved. 2 more HESI's to go. Please continue praying for me, I'm still gonna be studying for tons of hours to pass again. I am not naturally gifted at passing these tough tests (Darrel is, that PUNK) hahaha but yeah. It's really tough for me. I'm not a natural critical health care thinker! but anyway, God is good! PEACE OUT HOMESLICES.

an unfortunate fortune

Kev and I were eating Chinese food yesterday and opened up our fortune cookies to read our fortunes.

Mine read: "Adversity well met is the greatest virtue."

My response: "How boring."

Kevin's read: "An absolute when defined, is no longer an absolute."

Kevin's response:"...WHAT?!!!!! HOW DID POSTMODERNISM SNEAK INTO MY COOKIE?!?! DANGIT....THEY GOT TO THE CHINESE!"

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAHAHHA!!!!

"He loved God. That was the supreme dynamic of his life."-Elisabeth Elliot

engaged to my homie g!

PRAISE THE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!!!!!!!! yay for marriage! kev proposed to me april 16, 2011 :) It's amazing, really. Not only did God send His Son Jesus Christ to die on a cross and forgive us of our sins, but to give me Kevin too as my future husband and spiritual leader? So much grace, it's too much. I'm SUPER excited for the world to see Christ's love for the church displayed in our future marriage :D

Warning: this is going to be a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG entry hahaha...

I've heard many times within sermons that marriage shows you how much of a sinner you are. It's like your spouse is a walking mirror. I never completely understood it over the years. I'd dated before in the past but never was as serious about anyone as I am about Kevin, and it's the first time in my life that I'm in love (which is so beautiful, this feeling and emotion that God allows us to have, it's overwhelming and makes your heart beat fast yet makes it stop beating at the same time. You've got the butterflies in the stomach, your skin feels tingly when you're by that special someone. It seems like breathing is even difficult to do when the other person is around, and you can't ever really be yourself when they're gone! It gives you something to look forward to.... but i digress!)

I think that the beginning of our relationship, I was extremely ideal (and there's nothing wrong with that, but if it doesn't happen the way you plan you get thrown off a little bit). I guess I had this idea in my head about what having your future spouse would be like-something akin to perfection in holiness. But becoming Christian and reading the Bible has been opening my eyes to bigger realities....Marriage is for mutual sanctification, is it not? I really thought in the past that it would be this amazing relationship where you would become a "better Christian" but not through much trials (it sounds really lame saying it now, but I'm being honest). Like, one day I would find the man of my dreams and we would get together and go to church and serve in ministries, get married and have children and it would be super smooth and happy... but if someone would ask me what i learned throughout our relationship, I HAVE to answer: "How much of a sinner I am and how dependent I am on God's grace." Any ideal expectations I had was slowly being messed with by God soon after getting together, especially after our "first fight" I don't know how to explain my sinfulness during these times other than, when another person gets you mad or hurts your feelings, all of your pride rushes to the surface and lashes out, either in words or in tears. Thank God for grace, because Kevin and I have learned each other's communication styles and are quick to forgive if one of us unintentionally hurts the other. As much as this is far from my previous expectations of a smooth happy perfect relationship, I'm happy it is this way! Why? Because the bad makes you appreciate the good even more. I mean, HE HAS TO DEAL WITH ME AND MY FLAWS THE REST OF HIS LIFE!!! Poor guy lol He is seriously so good and kind and patient to me. I am happy to look back on the tough times and see how we overcame it, how we learned so much about ourselves and each other, and how good God is during all seasons. And of course, we've had other obstacles to hurdle over. We barely fight, thank God, I don't think I could handle being in a relationship where there is constant disagreements! But I do struggle with a lot of sadness and resentment over my family's reaction to my engagement. For example, Kevin tried to contact my dad and left messages on his phone so he could get his blessing to propose to me, but my dad never called him back. When we met up for lunch with some cousins, I brought Kevin along, and it was awkward bc Kevin had to tell him about how he proposed to me. My dad just looked at us and said "Yeah, I had a feeling that's why you called me." And I was like, "Well, then, why didn't you call him back so you could talk about it?" He just looked at me and shrugged. He seriously did not care! Kevin's had to comfort me a lot from the hurt I go through, and he has to gently rebuke me when my anger goes too far. Kevin's also good at pointing out when I focus on the negative and how I should look at the good things about how my family's responded. For instance, my mommy went through so much in helping to plan for the proposal! She was so sweet and funny throughout the entire thing. And my twin cousin, even though she prefers I wait a longer time before getting married, came and cheered and was happy for me nonetheless, and that meant the world to me because I look up to her a lot.

Most of my family thinks I'm crazy for getting married young, and that it's too soon and that we need to be financially stable. I tried to explain that we wanted to get married to glorify God, and that we love each other very much. God would provide too, it's not like financial stability is guaranteed. When asked about why we needed to get married so soon, I would explain to them from the Bible that it says "it is better to marry than to burn with passion." meaning that if one struggles with lust, they should get married as soon as possible in order to avoid sinning. I've even had some family members tell me that if that's the case, we should just have sex and get married later on in life, when financially stable. Or they say that we should just wait, as if it's the easiest thing in the world to do. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that there are couples who can wait and date anywhere between 2-10 years before marriage and still be pure, but that's an exception, not the rule. I know that the majority of couples i'm close to have struggled with lust, and some have compromised and made mistakes. Kev and I want to avoid that as much as possible. Even thoughts can become impure, and you don't even have to be in a relationship to struggle with that. How much more will the struggles intensify if there is someone you want to marry by your side? We prioritize holiness and purity over financial security, it's as simple as that.

Kevin and I have had to go through our own set of trials in this relationship, and I know there are many more ahead. But if God has helped us to overcome those few, He will be faithful in helping us to overcome the future trials for further mutual sanctification.

In some wedding ceremonies, couples insert their names to replace "love" in the famous 1 Corinthians 13 passage: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." So then it would go something like, "Kevin and Leigh Ann are patient and kind, they do not envy or boast, they are not arrogant or rude. They do not insist on their own way, they are not irritable or resentful....Kevin and Leigh Ann bear all things..." I must confess, I have not been perfect in loving Kevin. And neither has he, and in truth none of us are perfect in loving except Jesus Christ. And it's beautiful to know that in sanctification, we are becoming more and more like our Savior!

I kind of feel like I've been a big downer, talking about how sinful I am and all the struggles we've faced in this relationship, so I'm gonna end with a few highlights of what I've gone through these past few months!

It's absolutely WONDERFUL being with another person who loves Christ. I know that Kevin loves Christ more than me, and vice versa. Again, we are sinful and not perfect and definitely not perfect in loving Christ, but to know that the intention is there is always encouraging. We want our future children to know that Christ is always first and the head of our home. It's heartwarming to hear Kevin pray for our relationship (which is usually before meals since we always eat together), and I'm excited to know that every night before we sleep he can pray for us too (I know my married friends Jason and Ann do that, which is cuuuuuuuute!) I love how I can read the Bible and share with him all the things i learn, and how he usually has a lot more input to add that i never thought of or knew. He was raised in the church and went to Sunday school all his life, but I haven't, so sometimes he asks about what i've learned I'm like "ahh you already know this..." and he goes, "No, share it with me." For example, the other day I was like "OMG what the heck! Saul keeps trying to kill David. Why does David keep hanging around? Saul tries to throw spears while David is playing the music" and how David could have killed Saul when Saul went into the same cave David was in to relieve himself! and then we started laughing and making fun of David and Saul lol strange humor hahaha and then I told him about how I read about Solomon and how it's so boring going through genealogies, that the last few chapters I read have been about his officials and building the temple and building his palace. Kevin's like, "yeah, it may seem boring, but we do need to know the details..." etc etc. He can help me to understand the Word better and lead me and we can be convicted together. I love going to the same church, how I can always save a seat next to me and while he goes up to play drums/bass I can know he'll be by my side right after.

For as long as I can remember, everyone has always said that we should get together. "it was sooooo obvious you liked each other" they would say, and once we did get together a lot of people were like, "FINALLY!!!!!!" hahahaha, what? 8 years is too long or something? Amazingly, within 8 years of friendship, God saved me somewhere inbetween. In fact, when Kevin met me at the tender age of 14, he knew he wanted to marry me and prayed that one day I would become saved so he could marry me! Who knew God would answer him :) the vain prayer of a little boy lol so cute!!!! aww!! Personality-wise, we have similar thought processes and have always been able to finish each other's sentences ever since we were 14. It gets to a point where we try to make the same joke before the other can, and it makes me happy that it hasn't changed even though that was over 8 years ago. Our church's pastor's daughter Elisha likes to call us "the laughy couple" since we're always laughing and loud and crazy haha and it's just really fun to be with someone to laugh through life together. It's just SO nice to be next to him, we can spend all day doing nothing and i would be super happy! In fact, I am. We do a whole lot of nothing lol I'm too tired from nursing school to go out and be adventurous!

Well, I'm 22 years-old and engaged and loving life. God has been so good, blessing me with eternal life through His Son Jesus Christ. I'm really looking forward to the rest of my life with Kevin, I'm at a great place! Nursing school is tough but it's all good in the hood, yo! I've got a good man by my side, and he's leading me and we're gonna laugh and pray and just be happy together!

Again, PRAISE GOD! Please keep us in your prayers!! :)

my Provider

So much has happened the last few days, namely Japan's 8.9 earthquake and the horrible aftermath that ensued. Tsunamis and aftershocks, over 4 million homes destroyed in Tokyo and God knows what else (and WHO was destroyed along with it...) I was studying for a test while I found out, and I was also facebooking, and one minute the thing that stressed me out most was what grade I would get to the reality that you never know when disaster will hit. I have friends who have family in Japan, and a few friends that are there right now too for school. It was horrific! But it makes you think about what truly matters. And I thought about Jesus and life, and it hurt to realize that Japan has an extremely low Christian population. I'm not saying that Christians are any better than non-Christians, in fact, true Christianity is all about human beings being sinners and unworthy and how God is so gracious and loving to extend to us eternal life through faith in His Son Jesus Christ. One of the biggest differences between a believer and non-believer is that believers are sure of where they are going after they die, and that's heaven. I was so sad, the reality of all those people dying and in tragedy, and how many of those people are NOT in heaven at this moment. They are in hell. Tough words to say, but it's the truth, and it's scary. Kevin and I talked on the phone once he got back from Shepherd's Conference, and I told him about how I was so sad and worried. I was worried bc it's only a matter of time before a natural disaster hits California. We've been waiting for a huge earthquake since the big one hit San Francisco almost a 100 years back.

I frantically asked, "What would we do if you and I were separated? An earthquake may hit us in the next decade! We may have children at that time. What if we couldn't contact each other on the phone? What if one of us died? What if our extended family died? How would we contact each other??"

And calmly, he responded, "What happened to Japan was horrible. It's a tragedy, but God is in control. He has a perfect plan and this is what He wants to happen. And once tragedy happens to us, we will TRUST GOD. And He will have us right where He wants us, and we will be strong and have faith. We'll deal with it when it happens."

I felt so foolish and naive, to be so worrisome about the future events of what "could be." And extremely thankful that I have a man who is leading me who trusts God, and teaches me by example to be trusting in situations that seem hopeless. We have a living hope, afterall.

Today was my discipler Ate Rona's baby shower (praise the Lord for another baby!) which seems to be funny timing, to be celebrating the gift of new life as a natural disaster hits to take thousands of lives away in another country. Pastor was talking to us in his sermon about how God gives children as gifts to parents, as legacies or as liabilities, since we all die and need someone to pass on our name. He mentioned how Japan spent millions of dollars on infrastructure that would stand tall during an earthquake and not break apart, but those builders still could not foresee a tsunami damaging those same buildings. He emphasized how we live in a culture that raises children to be the smartest, to grow to be the richest, but what good does that do, if they are not raised to be brothers and sisters in Christ, and live life here on this earth only to die and end up in hell? Japan spent millions of dollars on these buildings, and we can spend a lot of our lives trying our hardest to save up for a home or for nice things, like cars and purses and clothes, but if we are doing it without God's hand blessing us then it's all in vain.

Proverbs 22: 6 says "Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it." and Deuteronomy 6 talks about having God in all aspects of life and teaching children about God. Matthew 6 is also a great chapter about God being the provider of all things, that even if he provides for the birds of the air and clothes plants beautifully, how much more his beloved children? Verse 33 states "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." and Hebrews 13:5 says "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

It was also really interesting, because Kevin got me a book called "A Visual Guide to Bible Events" by Martin, Beck, and Hensen, and I've been reading and learning a lot about the insights into where Bible events happened and why. One section is based on the book of Genesis and talks about how Abram was in the Promised Land but left it for Egypt because of a famine. Apparently the Promised Land of Canaan had a much more austere and challenging natural environment than most readers realized, and not a very stable supply of water (which was VITAL for those cities in Mesopotamia, because if there was no watter supply, there would be no food and a lot of struggling and famines).They relied on the seasonal rainfall for maturing the grain fields. Abram took his wife Sarai outta there and went to Egypt because Egypt enjoyed a river-based hydrology that tapped into the ever-flowing waters of the Nile River. Also, Abram came from southeastern Mesopotamia, a land with a similar hydrology system to that of Egypt, so he knew the security of living in Egypt and the benefits that came along with it. My whole point about this, is that the security offered by the benefits of Egypt didn't encourage faith and trust in the Lord in the same way the seemingly tough and famine-stricken Promised Land could. Financial security doesn't guarantee anything! Abram ended up learning that what's seemingly stable doesn't benefit him, and even let Lot choose which land to have in chapter 13. Lot chose what was seemingly more stable and had a stable water supply but that didn't work out for his benefit either, since God brought about their complete destruction not soon thereafter. Abram learned that he needed to trust God, even if it didn't make sense or wasn't easy. Another interesting thing I learned! Whenever people traveled east in the book of Genesis, it was NEVER good thing! After the decision to rebel against God, Adam and Eve moved east from the Garden of Eden (Gen. 3:24), Cain was forced to move east after murdering his brother (Gen 4:16), and those who conspired to build the Tower of Babel moved east (Gen. 11:1-2). Lot moved in the direction of fresh water which was also in the eastern direction.

Every now and then I struggle with worrying about finances in the future. I have thousands of loans because of my schooling, and Kevin has a part-time job and is still looking for a second job (or full time job). We really don't have all that much, and it's not gonna be stable. I actually grew up in a home full of financial struggling and I hated it! So for me to go through that again makes me cringe and get cranky lol but seriously, I don't wanna deal with it all over again! But I always tend to be hit on the head with the Biblical reality that I can never be financially stable enough unless the Lord's hand is on me, and even then, the Lord may not ever want me and Kevin to be financially stable or rich and livin' the "good life"....but that's also really cool, because Kev and I will grow stronger and depend on God more throughout the tough times. The economy really sucks right now, and my friends have told me stories about how couples have divorced because of depression of being laid off from companies, and how there's a lot of fighting and a lack of reconciliation afterwards. You can spend all your life saving for a mortgage, good education, a high paying job, retirement benefits, and if God wants to, He'll take it away LIKE THAT. What a reality about what matters and what doesn't. I'm learning about how fickle I am, how I worry for no apparent reason, my lack of trust and faith in the One who created me and saved me. God forgive me for my lack of faith and trust. But I'm learning, and God is slowly refining me. I'm a slow learner when it comes to this stuff! It's easy to grasp intellectually, but to actually live it out? Easier said than done. I need God's help every day.

10 ways to love

1. Listen without interrupting. (Proverbs 18)
2. Speak without accusing. (James 1:19)
3. Give without sparing. (Proverbs 21:26)
4. Pray without ceasing. (Colossians 1:9)
5. Answer without arguing. (Proverbs 17:1)
6. Share without pretending. (Ephesians 4:15)
7. Enjoy without complaint. (Philippians 2:14)
8. Trust without wavering. (Corinthians 13:7)
9. Forgive without punishing. (Colossians 3:13)
10. Promise without forgetting. (Proverbs 13:12)