musings.

This past year has been CRAZY. I really cannot believe that there's two more days of 2011 left! Where does all the time go? It seems to pass by faster and faster as I grow older.

I actually wrote a post a few days ago about everything I've been going through in regards to the death of my grandfather, and deleted it a few hours later. It really is strange to say goodbye to someone you love a lot, and to only hope in God's sovereignty and have no complete assurance about his whereabouts in the next life. I was crying as I typed, and I wrote with transparency (which is something I don't usually struggle with, I've actually been called out for being "too transparent") but that's the weird thing about me...once something really hurts or just bothers me, I don't say anything. But a million things go on in my head and in my heart. All I can say is: thank you for your prayers, and thank you to my good friends who asked me how I was doing. I usually shrugged it off with an "I'm okay, these things happen." But I was hurting. And sad. It bothered me a lot.

One of the good things that came out of this season of my family's life is that we are all closer and more loving. I guess it's times where you lose such important people in your life, that you stop caring about the silly dumb things. That happened to me, anyway, and I'm not worried about my wedding at all. I still have strange dreams (the other night, I had a dream I was at my wedding and never saw Kevin! We kissed and he disappeared. And another where tons of people didn't show up and we wasted a lot of money!) But anyways, I'm just really happy that I'm going to start a new chapter of my life with my best friend, and to experience the joys of marriage. Praise God!

I have a lot of things I need to hand over to God. Such as: being fiercely protective over my girl friends. I've heard the quote "You are what you protect." And I guess it just really strikes a nerve in me to see my girlfriends hurt by Christian men, especially since so much of my life has been watching the women in my family getting hurt. When Christian men hurt women, it doesn't really make sense to me. Of course, they do not intend to (I can only pray and hope). Sometimes, they may not even know what they do wrong, which I still have a hard time dealing with. Anyways, I have a lot of single girl friends and this past year was RIDICULOUS. Maybe it's just this year specifically. But every close girl friend of mine seemed to get hurt by men who were so called Christian! So many stories, so many tears, so much anger boiled within me. I was goin' crazy! I was ready to go all Xena Warrior Princess status on all those guys' butts!!!!! For real!!!! I really need to pray to God for me to be kinder and gracious to those men. At a party, I saw one of them and didn't say anything, but I had like seven people asking me what was wrong! I guess it's written on my face. Or, I'm usually so loud and laughy that when I'm not everyone is worried. Dang... Only God knows what I'll be like if I'm the mother of tons of daughters. Honestly, I only want one daughter. Knowing God, I'll have like 7!! AHHHH!!!! Pray for me about this. I'm very protective of all my girl friends. I'm not excusing the men who hurt them, but I am going to have to answer to God one day and I just want to be more like Christ in this area of my life. It's only inevitable that some of my girl friends will be hurt within the next few years :( I am so blessed to have Kevin as my future husband, and that my prayers have been answered. I am so undeserving, and I guess I shouldn't be comparing every guy to him. But in a sense, and I'm speaking to my fellow engaged, married, or soon to be married gals: don't you want every girl to have a guy like yours? (I don't even know how I would respond if someone answered "No." lol)

Oh, and another quote I loved that I heard this year: "The best thing a father can do for his daughter is love her mother." And I had to think about it for a long time because it made very little sense to me, so I had to imagine what it would've been like for my dad to love my mom. Of course, I can say "Oh, that means it will set the standard for the man the daughter will desire to marry in the future." But it's different when you never experienced it.

Lots of reflection over the past year, and I'm only more aware of how pathetic and sinful I am. God is so gracious. I mean, I knew I was sinful, but MAN i am sinful! Ridiculous! This human nature thing is crampin' my style! HAHA. But anyways, God's really humbled me in many areas of my life...bringing to light parts of me that need to be conformed to what He wants, my fears, my idols, my anger toward anyone who hurts my girls...

It's really nice to have quiet time and reflection with God, and thus the revealing of sin occurs! It's really cool reading what God has said in the Bible too! I'm kind of freaking out and excited, because I'm closer to my goal of reading the entire bible! I just need to read the major and minor prophets. TOO BAD THAT'S LIKE THE TOUGHEST FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND, INTERPRET, AND APPLY!!!!!!!!! I dont know about anyone else, but man...seriously? I read the first 5 chapters of Isaiah today, and was like, "Israel...is such a bad nation!" HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO APPLY THAT TO MY LIFE??? Of course, I am sinful, just like the Israelites (Random fact: did you know that "Israelites" refers to the old Israel, like in Biblical times, so it's considered not correct to use that term for current Israel? That's why they call them "Israelis" today) And I do not hold to the belief that God has replaced Israel with the church. THIS STUFF IS HARD! Or maybe I'm just a dummy. Scratch that, I totally am. But I'm excited :) It's my first time reading the major and minor prophets!

Just wanted to blog before the year ends. Thank you, God, for everything. For being so gracious to a sinner like me! I'm such a coo coo and yet you love me. I can't wait to hug You :) One day.