do you hear what I hear?

My mommy got Kevin and me some new winter coats as Christmas presents! Woohoo! Check it out ------------>

Where did 2010 go? Merry Merry Merry Christmas!!!! I can't believe it's the day after Christmas already, it just reminds me that time passes by faster as I get older. I celebrated with my mom's side of the family and we went to a midnight candlelight service at Hollywood Presbyterian Church. Kevin's family invited us and it was so beautiful! I loved it there. I've only been to a few Christian churches since I was saved 4 years ago, so the whole church scene (contemporary, traditional...and this refers to worship to architectural styles) is still pretty new to me in some sense! My mom's side of the family went to Catholic Mass and we met back home afterwards to open presents (we open them midnight!)

The Christmas sermon was a sweet one. The pastor talked about how God came into a world of ruins because He loved us enough. Why would anyone want to come into a world like ours, filled with ruins and disease and hatred and strife and pain? He used the verses John 1:1, 15 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God...The Word became flesh and dwelt among us." Many times I'm overwhelmed with God's love for me, and I still do not love Him the way He deserves, or commands me, or expects of me. It's still really tough because a lot of friends ask me, "Do you love God?" and I hesitate. Of course I do. But how do I explain the complexity of it? Love sounds so simple but it really isn't. How do I explain, "Yes, I do love God, but not nearly as much as He loves me and I don't give Him what He deserves, I don't surrender fully to Him my thoughts and my actions and my free time and it's still so difficult to involve Him in every aspect of my life. and YES. I do love Him, but I am only able to do so because He loved me first!" Usually people only want a yes or no answer lol oopsie poopsie!

Ever since I started nursing school, I've gotten busier and so much more tired. I miss my free time. I miss the summer, when I just got to spend the ENTIRE day reading the Bible and theology and spending time in fellowship. But I'm thankful for that time period, it was preparing me for now, when i have to get back to being busy and such. There are specific things I really want to study for: the Trinity and the deity of Christ, the Reformation (its leaders and Church History) and theological perspectives (Reformed, Charistmatic, Dispensationalism, etc.)...I actually just really want to finish my Systematic Theology book by Grudem but that will take forever. I have so many books I have yet to finish. They're collecting dust unfortunately. I'm not going to complain about how nursing takes up all my time though. I actually really love nursing and am thankful for enjoying it!

Praise God for sending His Son Jesus Christ who is fully human and fully God to die on a cross for my sins. We have a lot to be merry about on Christmas. Thank God for salvation.

consider it pure joy (trials)

Today was a humbling experience. I was humiliated in front of others because of my shortcomings and I wanted to cry. I almost did, but I think it would have made things worse. But by the end of the day, God had mercy and helped me to redeem myself by accomplishing what I needed to do. Denggg....it's just one of them days!

Additionally, I'm healing from a really bad cough and cold. Thank God! Sickness really causes my body to yearn for the glorification of our future bodies. I can't even imagine having perfect bodies, the way Adam and Eve did before the Fall.

I have a Phil Wickham CD and the first song is called "Eden" and it's really very beautiful. I listen to it every now and then. Here are the lyrics which really move me:

When the first light brightened the dark
Before the breaking of the human heart
There was You and there was me
Innocence was all I knew
'Cause all I had to know was You
We were running underneath the trees

I wanna see you face to face
Where being in your arms is the permanent state
I want it like it was back then
I wanna be in Eden

I remember how'd You call my name
And I would meet You at the garden gate
How the glory of Your love would shine
And I remember when the stars were young
You breathed life into my lungs
Oh I never felt so alive

I wanna see you face to face
Would be in your arms is the permanent state
I want it like it was back then
I wanna be in Eden

To be naked and unashamed
In a sweet down pour of innocent rain
I want it like it was back then
I wanna be in Eden

Where my eyes can see the colors of glory
My hands can reach the heaven before me
Oh, my God I wanna be there with You
Where our hearts will beat with joy together
And love will reign forever and ever
Oh my God I wanna be there with You

I want to be in Eden, too.

for granted

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." Psalm 51:12

What a tough week. But I really am amazed at how easy it is for me to find things to complain about when I have a gift that is more precious than anything else--eternal life, through faith in Jesus Christ. I am a sinner saved by grace, and I'm learning how to take into account that I shouldn't be so sure of myself even after time and experiences with family, friends, and circumstances, and that I need to rely on God more for my shortcomings. Even though my emotions are going against me, I need to stand firm and stop being prideful that I won't commit the same sins to those I love: "Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall. No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful..." (1 Cor 10: 12-13) It's so easy to be frustrated when people don't respond the way you want them to during certain conversations. It's so easy to take advantage of God's grace. If i have ever gotten hit over the head with how much I cannot do and how much of God's grace I need, this is one of those weeks. It was like one thing after another. But I'm thankful, because God has His reasons for letting these things happen and He is sovereign and this is all for my sanctification; even when I mess up and fail and don't respond properly (which i have done over and over and over again in my life) and sin, I am able to confess my sins and approach the throne of grace confidently because of Jesus Christ as my Mediator, each time I repent. Praise God. Now really, how can I ever take that for granted? These lapses of spiritual drought and sadness make no sense, but I'm human and fallen and a lame-o! Sigh. God is so good, and I'm just looking into a mirror of how much I don't deserve His grace and mercy.

I am still learning to see just how ugly this sin really is....God is kinder and more forgiving than I will ever understand. I need prayer.

Proverbs 27:17 says...

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Amen!

So Jamie has been a huge encouragement to me throughout our whole 5 years of friendship, and I can't thank God enough for a best friend as godly and beautiful (inside and out) as her. Really, I am so blessed by her.

She's so sweet and funny! Here's one of the ways she's exhorted/rebuked me recently, regarding sin and holiness:

Jamie: Read Romans about living in the flesh and Matthew when Jesus talks about stumbling other believers

girl, Jesus is gonna put a heavy necklace on you and drown you in the ocean if you continue with the stumbling!

lol im totally misquoting right now

but it's in matthew i think

Me: WHAT!!! LOL! i love your misquoting. it's funny but i know it's true....I don't want that necklace around my neck girl!

Jamie: well that's how much Jesus hates sin and how we as believers should too

remember, he'd rather have our limbs cut off then go to hell

I honestly believe a lot of friends are too caught up in offending one another, rather than caring for the state of their soul with Jesus. I praise God that I have a best friend who calls me out, in a blunt yet silly (if that's even possible...i'm pretty sure only Jamie can pull it off ) kinda way. When I am even straying just slightly, thank God she's there to help me by pointing me to Christ. God is so good, giving us fellow believers. It's amazing to think that the same Holy Spirit which dwells within me, is also within her. We're united because of our common ground in Christ.

Praise God!

on point

And I don't want no one if I cant have you
a world of illusion
But baby you're true
I know I deceived you I once told you lies
If you don't believe me
Just look in my eyes

(lyrics from "Mother just can't get enough" by New Radicals)

changes.

and lots of it.

it's comforting to know that God is sovereign. What a week!

as Jamie likes to put it, "Gahhhh!!! God, why are you so crazy?!??!" lolll

Jonathan Edwards' perspective on his future wife, Sarah

Clearly smitten, he was. And she was only 13 while he was 20 when he wrote this!

"They say there is a young lady in [New Haven] who is beloved of that almighty Being, who made and rules the world, and that there are certain seasons in which this great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight, and that she hardly cares for anything, except to meditate on him--that she expects after a while to be received up where he is, to be raised out of the world and caught up into heaven; being assured that he loves her too well to let her remain at a distance from him always. There she is to dwell with him, and to be ravished with his love, favor and delight, forever. Therefore, if you present all the world before her, with the richest of its treasures, she disregards it and cares not for it, and is unmindful of any pain or affliction. She has a strange sweetness in her mind, and sweetness of temper, uncommon purity in her affections; is most just and praiseworthy in all her actions; and you could not persuade her to do anything thought wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness and universal benevolence of mind; especially after those times in which this great God has manifested himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about, singing sweetly, from place to [place]; and seems to be always full of joy and pleasure, and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, and to wander in the fields and on the mountains, and seems to have someone invisible always conversing with her."

birthday girl...22 years-old!!!!!!!!! YEAAAAA!!!!

Another year of life has been granted to me, and I am just so thankful to God for the ways He's provided and the lessons He's taught...I am so immensely blessed! Goodness. I spent some quiet time today just reminiscing on all the work God has done, and these past 4 years since I was saved have been really...eventful! It's almost as if life before becoming a believer is a blur. And I really look forward to the next few decades, if God wills I live that long. Pruning is really tough to go through (John 15) but extremely necessary, and I am really just going through some stuff that makes me grit my teeth and wince, but I praise God bc I know that He is faithful and I just need to really apply the Word to my daily life...good times and bad. It's really humbling, especially during times of confession, coming to the reality that I am just so sinful and that I really need to completely depend on God, which is really difficult because my nature and pride really make me want to be self-sufficient. Praise God too, some stuff from my past is being resolved and reconciliation is occurring...man, it's been a crazy year!

I absolutely love this poem by Blair Wingo, and the link is this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjO9NCkTsF8

My favorite lines within her poem include these words:

"All of that was bound to decay, and you took my breath away...When the world's tryin to holla at me, im like pleeease...because i'm happily in a relationship with the King of Kings!...I wanna love your Word so much that I finish your sentences, well, or at least remember the Scripture references. I want to know you so intimately that my friends get nervous, because they think i'm looking too much like you too fast! ...I'm gonna think about him all day long...You deserve that and so much more...See you didn't just say that you love me, but you clearly made it known, left your throne...But because you so loved the world, you gave so that whosoever would believe would not perish, you willingly took my place so i could have a spiritual marriage. Love is an interesting word we throw around so casually, but God is love! ...help us that we would love you with an outward expression, help us to see that your love is so much more than just a confession"

Oh, love! How can my heart not beat faster and my breath be taken away by the God of the Universe? Amazing. (I feel like such a girl when I say stuff like this, but hey, it's the way we process things okay lol ....but seriously, this poem is pretty legit and just grasps the way girls fall for guys when really their hearts should be devoted to the lover of our souls)...

Praise God for another year of life! My past is interesting and my future is hopeful, so I'll continue striving toward the goal of life...

"Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let us therefore, as many as are perfect, have this attitude..." -Philippians 3:13-15

I AM SO EXCITED!

fellowship and good times!

"Behold, how good and how pleasant it is For brethren to dwell together in unity!" -Psalm 133:1

"...that which we have seen and heard we declare to you, that you may also have fellowship with us; and truly our fellowship is with the Father and with His Son Jesus Christ." -1 John 1:3

"Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing."-1 Thessalonians 5:11

"...and I pray that the fellowship of your faith may become effective through the knowledge of every good thing which is in you for Christ's sake."-Philemon 1:6

Oh my gouda-ness! This has been a great summer. One of my favorite summers ever, actually. I actually struggled a lot with feeling guilty and insecure after I graduated from UCSB because I didn't have a career, and I would beat myself up and my mom had to rebuke me! She said, "Leigh Ann, why are you worrying so much about the future? I thought you were godly. Why are you worrying? Don't you know God is going to take care of you?" OHHH SNAP! OUCHIEZ!! I GOT REBUKED FROM MY MOMMMAA!!! love it! LOL so I got over myself, and remembered Matthew 6:33 "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." CHEW DAT! I can't believe how much my worrying affected my witness of Jesus Christ...lesson learned!

But yeah, it's been great being back at home because I've been having great fellowship with other believers. It's so great to be back with my partner-in-crime James, I mean, where would I be without her? She knows me! and I became more well-acquainted with other members of South Bay Christian Alliance Church in Carson and Friday night bible study for College and Career, and I'm just so thankful that the leaders are so faithful to teaching the Word of God, and that the other members appreciate and love Scripture as well. I really feel like I am growing so much, especially through conversations and examples of others, and it's nice to see and listen to others talk about what they are learning and how they are applying what they learn into their daily lives, asking for prayer and guidance. I've also been discipled by Ate Rona these past few weeks, and words can't express how much I look up to her. She is just a huge encouragement, and a loving mommy and a godly wife. Of course, she has told me she is human so she is not perfect, but I love that she is transparent enough to know her weaknesses so that when she is guiding me, her transparency lets me see Christ through her and He is really using her as an instrument to teach me what it means to be a godly woman. We're going through a Fundamentals of Faith workbook by John MacArthur and I love it! I was going through it by myself before I met up with her, but it's nice to just really dive deep into these lessons about the Bible. I've got great brothers and sisters within that church and bible study, and it's nice, because I have the family of believers to be there for me, through good times and bad.

It's also really encouraging to be with friends and meet other believers from other churches as well. I visited my friend Elijah's bible study with Kevin a few days ago, and a few of them afterward would freestyle about Jesus! Probably one of my favorite memories ever. LOVED IT!!! It's so encouraging to see and know that there are others out there who have a passion for spreading the Gospel and talking about how good Jesus is.

The Christian life was never meant to happen alone! We need fellowship to be encouraged and to share the painful and joyful moments of life. And sometimes we're so blinded by our sins, and that's where godly brothers and sisters come in to rebuke and to correct through Scripture (2 Timothy 3:16), which has happened to me a few times in the past, and I can't say how thankful I am for being corrected. All part of the process of sanctification. I'm so thankful for fellowship. God is good!

Day 2-meaning behind username/Day 3-pic with friends

So I'm kinda behind on doing this 30 day challenge...but that's okay. Lots of things have been overtaking my mind (in a good way...actually, in a marvelous/wonderful/at-times-very-frustrating/refreshing way)
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Day 2: meaning behind username "leigh"

Leigh is my nickname, and I actually prefer being called "Leigh" more than "Leigh Ann" because it's what my family calls me. My mom and dad and brothers call me "Leigh" and I have a few close friends (like Jamie) who call me "Leigh"...It's personal, and it makes me feel at home. Also, I met a woman who was asking me how to spell my name and she told me it was a beautiful way to spell it, that every woman should spell 'Lee' like that. I usually get people making fun of it saying it's "LAY ANN" which causes me to cringe, so this random woman's compliment made me feel special and not like a weirdo haha

Day 3: pic with friends

These are UCSB my gal pals: Jamie, Jenn, Carrie, Tori, & Amanda. I spent a lot of hours laughing, crying, praying, talking or bonding with these beautiful women.



The funny thing is, all these women are all very different from one another. And I know that being separated by miles can do things to alter relationships, whether it be in a good way or bad way. But for the season that God placed them in my life in a close physical proximity, I was blessed by each of them and they have a special place in my heart. Being at UCSB wouldn't have been the same without them :] Aww!!! Thankfully, I still keep in touch with each of them on a regular basis.

what you need to know about me

"Upon a life I did not live, a death I did not die, a God I cannot see, I stake my eternity." Amen.

Day 1- Recent picture and 15 facts

I literally took this photo a few minutes ago, and I'm gonna cheat and add another one since my little brother was next to me and we decided to take a few together too...

ANYWHO! Time for the random 15 facts:

1. I love eggs. They are my favorite food. It's especially good with spam, corned beef, or bacon. Or green onions. Or pan de sal. YUM YUM YUM! Now I am drooling.

2. I have always wanted a pet lion. I want to ride on his back and call him/her Aslan. I don't care if people think I'm weird. I'd choose riding on my pet's back anyday; it is way cooler than carrying him in a little purse into the supermarket.

3. I want to name my first son Joshua, for so many reasons. Not only does it mean "God saves" in Hebrew, but when God saved me, the relationship between my little brother Joshua and me became better. Since we have different fathers, there was always a divide between us growing up. Josh and I quickly became very close as brother and sister after Jesus changed my life, so when I see him I am reminded of how good God is, and how I am so very blessed. God can change lives. He changed mine, and so many of my relationships within my family have been restored.

4. I like correct grammar during conversations. It's excusable if it's just typing on the internet. When people use incorrect pronouns after prepositions, it drives me crazy. For instance, "Yeah, between you and I, it was an okay movie." YOU NEVER USE "I" AFTER A PREPOSITION! Why? Because it is a subject pronoun, and the only pronouns that come after prepositions are object pronouns. Does that look like an object pronoun to you? No. Use "me". You don't sound less intelligent by saying "me". Come on people!

5. I've dyed my hair so many times in high school that I wore myself out and stick to my natural hair color now.

6. I get very itchy before I sleep. My roommate of college used to say "If I didn't hear you scratching in the middle of the night, I sometimes worried that you weren't alive." So I put on lotion a lot. My brother, on the other hand, grinds his teeth in his sleep so we have some pretty weird habits!

7. I hate cilantro. I cannot stand the taste. It ruined my experience tasting pho and I cannot stand salsa. Needless to say, I do not eat much Vietnamese or Mexican food.

8. I used to grow up getting a lot of compliments about how long my fingers were and how I had nice, long nails. I always thought it was weird, until I noticed everyone's short fingers/fingernails. I wish I actually used my hands for something worthwhile, like playing piano or guitar.

9. I do not care for music. No, literally. I just DO.NOT.CARE. Ironically, every person close to me loves music! They are just the most musically-inclined, talented people, who love to express themselves through instruments and singing. And every guy I have dated has been in a band, or was a worship leader. Weird.

10. Growing up, I loved drawing. I wanted to be an artist for the first two decades of my life (haha, I'm entering my third decade!) I was voted "Most Artistic" in Junior high and used to draw people pictures of Pokemon or DragonballZ which made me very popular and cool at school HAHAHHAA. Wow I was such a dork. I even drew pictures of friends too! I wanted to make my own cartoon series because I made up all these stories & characters in my head. I still have them stored up there. Growing up though, I became realistic and didn't think I would be able to do anything with that talent. The last time I drew was at a Winter Retreat for my fellowship at UCSB. I was taking care of the speaker's son, Drew, who was 5 years old. To keep his attention and for the sake of well behavior, I drew him a bunch of Disney characters and Winnie the Pooh and his dad was surprised by how well I could draw. I know that this talent will come in handy when I have my own kids one day.

11. As a kid, I had 4 pet birds, 2 pet fishies, 2 cats, and 6 dogs. After my parents divorced, I never had pets ever again. But having pets was such a great experience! My favorite dog was my first dog "Estee" who was a shepherd dog. He looked like an obese Lassie haha I want to have that as my first dog when I have my own family.

12. I am a cautious person. I am not attracted to extreme sports or adrenaline rushes. I think it's careless and I would rather play it safe than risk anything. I used to hate this aspect of my personality but I think American culture glorifies extreme and risky hobbies. No thank you!

13. I am an extremely light sleeper---I wake up to a feather falling down! This usually results in very restless or interrupted sleeps where I feel tired once I wake up. It's annoying and I wish I was a heavy sleeper. I really hope that my future husband does not snore!

14. Outside of the U.S. and Mexico, I have visited the Philippines and Hong Kong (for family). I have also been to Paris-France, Frankfurt-Germany, Swiss Alps-Switzerland, Prague-Czech Republic, Amsterdam-The Netherlands, and Rome-Italy. I instantly fell in love with Paris and if I am ever proposed to, I would love to be proposed to by the Eiffel Tower (nearly close to impossible, and while it's cheesy and cliche, I still think it's such a sweet setting! Oh Paris...) I really enjoyed Prague in the snow because of the grand castles and statues. Rome had the best food but it was pretty dirty because of the tourists, and I went to the Red Light District of Amsterdam and was super disturbed by the things I saw. Ironically, before you enter that district is a beautiful Gothic cathedral. My brother Billy got lost on his toboggan down the Swiss Alps and I cried because I thought he was lost forever and going to die! Thank God they found him. But on top of the Swiss Alps, the view made me feel like I was in heaven. I had never seen such a beautiful sight before.

15. Save the best for last! Sometimes, I imagine what it would be like once I see Jesus face-to-face, and my heart accelerates and stops beating all at the same time. To behold His glory, to see and experience such intimacy, to be in His arms and to be WITH Him physically and just ...I don't know. Words can't even describe it. In my mind- my sinful and fallen and tainted mind, this future experience would be amazing and overwhelming and breathtaking and just so good one could hardly take it all in! And I know that what my mind is imagining won't even come close to when it actually does happen. And then I think about every person in heaven right now, and how I would be able to meet all the men who wrote the books of the Bible inspired by the Holy Spirit, and all those martyrs... all of us praising God together. And I hope it's not too morbid, but I think about death a lot. I go about my day wondering, what if I died today? Or tomorrow? Would I have done something differently? Praise God for the hope I have in Him! I am so assured of where I am going after I die. It breaks my heart to know there are so many who do not have the same assurance. It pushes me to get out of my comfort zone and proclaim the gospel more to those around me.
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let's do this!

30 Day Challenge
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Day 01- A recent picture of you, and 15 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 02- The meaning behind your user name.
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have.
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day06- A picture of you and an ex boyfriend/girlfriend/first love.
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you.
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why?
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days.
Day 10- A picture of something that describes/relates to your life.
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends.
Day 12- How you found out about blogger and why you made one.
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 14- A picture of you and your family.
Day 15- A song that relates to your life.
Day 16- Another picture of yourself.
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why?
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have.
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them.
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future.
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy.
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else.
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot.
Day 24- A letter to your parents.
Day 25- What I would find in your bag.
Day 26- What you think about your friends.
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge.
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned.
Day 30- Who are you?
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Sometimes I feel like I want to post stuff on this blog but it's either super lengthy, which makes me feel like I'm writing an essay, or really short and silly that makes me not care if I post or not. I guess this 30 day thing gives me a chance to do a lil bit of both. And so it begins...

first time for everything

Yesterday was Father's Day! How cute na cute! I invited my Dad to have lunch with my mommy, Joshua, Billy and me at Cheesecake Factory so we could all celebrate. I went to my mom's church nearby home FFC (First Family Christian) instead of SBCAC (South Bay Christian Alliance) so I could make it to lunch on time, and what a surprise i had at church...MY DAD JOINED US! It was the first time he had ever gone to a Christian service, and even when my parents were married I don't remember him being there with us during Catholic Mass. He said it wasn't "that bad" and liked it more than Mass, which was surprising. He even made a few jokes about the sermon, since he doesn't believe in Jesus, but it was nice to know he was listening to certain parts though he purposefully sat down with his eyes closed during the entire message. I said "Dad so this means you're coming back next Sunday right?" and he laughed and said "Yeah, you mean NEXT Father's Day!" It's still a miracle in and of itself that he doesn't mind coming back!

During lunch my mom gave him his present and they laughed and exchanged jokes and I sat next to my brothers. It is so weird how nice and friendly it is when we eat together as a family. It really feels like this backward progression where...you know, people are supposed to have pleasant family memories of growing up with married parents, but the pleasant memories are in the making as we speak. They are still divorced, and my little brother Josh has a different dad, but it feels sweet when we are all together. Even better than anything I'd experienced in the past. And I praise God for that, because it seriously is ALL of His work! I really can't explain it in words but I really want my family to be saved, not only for their sakes, but for the glory of God's name! My gosh, so much change is already occurring. My mom and I used to fight all the time and now I consider her one of my best friends, and though my dad hurts my feelings a lot because he usually calls me fat or ugly or not smart, he is a lot better in terms of answering my phone calls and hanging out with me. I know he loves me, he just has a really..strange way of showing it. I have to continually remind myself that he does not know Jesus, and that I have to shine that light to him. Earlier this year I decided to send weekly text messages from SB to both my mom and dad, like "Hey mom, hey dad, I miss you guys. God bless." or "Hey Dad, love you and Jesus loves you too." I really believe that it softened my dad's heart, even though he doesn't believe. Our relationship has changed drastically, for the better, and it's still not perfect but that's ok. I'm going to keep hoping and trusting that God will take care of my family.

Although I don't do it as much as I should, when I do, I cry out for God to have mercy on my family...

"And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened."-Luke 11:9-10

"And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us."-1 John 5:14

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."-Romans 8:28

I don't know what stops me from asking more from my Father in heaven but I know that He loves me and listens to me so I am going to stop being shy and just continue to ask for grace and blessing upon my family! It's also amazing to know that everything works together for the good of those who love him. I want all of them to know Jesus Christ personally and intimately. My dad's life would be changed so much...I can't even imagine. And I can't thank God enough for Joshua learning more and more from the Bible study every Friday night. I absolutely love being back at home! I get to be with my family and witness all these great things. And because I'm not stressing over finals, I get more time to read and just rest. I get antsy and bounce up and down thinking about the changes and God's hand working, and I just need to thank Him and praise Him so much! Oh God is so good...


"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are." -1 John 3:1

I am God's child, and every day is a Happy Father's Day for Him! Praise Him!

lessons learned in love & family

I came home this weekend to celebrate Bethany and Alejo's wedding! Oh my gosh what a beautiful couple and ceremony. I don't know them too well, except for the few times I go to Bible study, but I am really blessed by them. They are godly as a couple and individually, and that is such a rarity. I do not know many godly couples and many couples I know who proclaim themselves to be Christian still do questionable things. But for so many people to be witnesses (friends and family) to the fact that Bethany and Alejo are a godly couple was refreshing and wonderful, and it gave me hope. Jamie and I began to cry when we saw Alejo cry during the vows AHHH!!!! So much love between those two!!! As I sat there watching the ceremony of these two becoming husband and wife, I realized more and more just how UNREADY I am to get married, and how much I have learned from my past.

I'm 21 years-old, and have dated before. I was saved when I was 19 and was dating a friend named Sam, but we broke up because of distance and theological issues. At first, we had the same beliefs about gender roles but towards the end of our relationship, he stated that he thought we should take a more egalitarian approach to our relationship. That means he was unsure of being the spiritual leader. He's still a good friend of mine, but we don't really talk too much because it's inappropriate. Egalitarianism promotes equality of the sexes, which means that females are now seen as equal in role and can become pastors, spiritual leaders over men, etc. We talked about it, and how I still believed in complementarianism, where men and women were equal, but there are still specific roles men and women are supposed to fulfill. After a year of dating, we decided to just stay friends and he is now back in Missouri going to law school. I have a lot to thank him for though, because he was so adamant about treating me as a sister in Christ before a girlfriend. We held hands a lot, and there was a lot of importance based on purity. So when we decided we weren't each other's future husband and wife, the shift to becoming friends from lovers wasn't really too different. We still pray for one another and I am super blessed to have him as my brother in Christ. One thing that also helped is this- I had (and still have) a strong conviction not to say "I love you" so i never said it to him. If a guy is going to tell me he loves me, he better follow up with a ring lol seriously though. There is so much emotional attachment to the word "love" When I say it, I want to say it to the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I have been single for a while but looking back before I became a Christian, I dated a couple of guys and realized a lot about myself. For instance, because my dad left me at a young age, I've always desired to have a stable male figure in my life. My mom eventually remarried, but my stepdad was more like a spawn of satan as opposed to an angel, so I looked to dating as a way of filling this hole in my heart. Also, all my friends were dating so I thought it was the norm. When I became Christian, I was dating Sam and I am realizing now that I have never just been single and walking with the Lord until that fateful 9 months ago. And it's actually...really beautiful and a huge blessing. God is not only my heavenly Father who will never leave me, but also my husband: "For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called." (Isaiah 54: 5) Because of the fact that I am single, I am able to serve in ministry without hindrance or devotion to worldly matters (Paul refers to this in 1 Corinthians 7). I have been so blessed by my brothers and sisters in Christ at UCSB. It's going to be really sad leaving UCSB but I think it's time to enter into a new chapter in God's story. I am really excited to just come home and serve my family, and to enter into a new church. God's hand in my family is so evident and I can't help but praise Him for all the work that He is doing! My very Catholic grandma came to service with my mom and Joshua for the first time yesterday, and she said she liked it. I still need to continue praying, but it's encouraging talking to my mom and hear her singing Christian songs and choosing to go to service instead of Mass even when I'm away.

This random conversation also happened between Josh and me yesterday:

Josh: There was this pastor who thought God spoke specifically to him, but it isn't true.
Me: Really? Why not?
Josh: Because it says in the last book of Revelation, that God has already spoken.
Me: Ohhh..where did you learn that?
Josh: At bible study from Kevin.

WHAAAAAAAAT THE...soo random. I never knew any of that when I was 14! And then he started talking about shoes or something else irrelevant and only 14 year old boys care about lol But it's times like that, where I see fruit and God just being so kind and merciful to my family. I am a first generation Christian, which is kinda heartbreaking, but at the same time I am given the privilege to start a godly lineage. I need to stay committed to Scripture and committed to evangelism. For every person I know who doesn't know Christ, I was placed into their life to preach the gospel. Easier said than done though, especially when most of my family doesn't know Christ. But it's all gravy! God is working, not me! I just gotta be obedient and trusting in Him.

At the beginning of today I read Psalm 91 and 92, and the first three chapters of Romans. I'm doing this one year Bible reading plan and have been enjoying going through the Word. I couldn't wrap my head around this! How beautiful God is and how faithful He is to us:

"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him,
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
-Psalm 91: 14-16

IT'S SOOOO INTIMATE! I long for that intimacy with God. my goodness. how sweet. this psalmist really loves God and thirsts for Him "As a deer pants for flowing streams, so my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God." (Psalm 42:1-2) and then another similar passage in Psalm 63: 1-3: "O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you, my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary; beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you." and then reading Romans...about atonement and propitiation...and how we are saved by faith and not by works. I hear it all the time it seems, but it just strikes a chord and I am just in awe of this thing we call grace. I do NOT get it! How amazing. Sometimes people ask me how old I am and I want to say I'm 3 years old, even though I'm 21. I really could not see, was not truly living, until the Lord opened my eyes. So really, I think I'm 3!

So this weekend was a great one. I am really sick and still at home with my mommy taking care of me, and catching up on reading. But as I look back on my life, in my experiences and motives for dating, and how life is now as a Christian, I see dating in a different light. I don't want to date anymore. I just want my next one to my last one, and I pray for my family and future family (including my brothers' future wives, and my future husband and children). Not only that though, but I couldn't help but feel a little bit of envy at seeing how many members of Bethany and Alejo's families knew the Lord and supported them in prayer. Bethany's dad is hilarious and gave her away, but it hurts to know that my dad is "giving me away" when in reality he was never there to take care of me in the first place. Thank the Lord I have a new family of believers to support me, but I really wish I had that in my blood family. Which is why, I'm kinda glad that for the next few years I can minister to my family in my singleness. Hopefully, by the time I'm up at an altar with my future husband, my little brother can be one of his groomsmen and be mature in Christ and praying for me too. He's only 14 right now but I love him to death and hope God does a mighty work in him and the rest of my family members.

I'm graduating in 3 weeks. I'm excited for what God has in store for me.

R.I.P. Andee Banrasavong

"Now listen, you who say 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." -James 4: 13-17

Knowing that my sister Andee has gone to heaven has been a really crazy wake-up call. My gosh, she was so young. Only 22, engaged, and thinking so much about the future. Next week is our fellowship's Senior Banquet and she had turned in her questionnaire earliest of us all. It's not going to be the same without her. She was so gentle, and sweet, and loving. We bonded a lot because of our love for Jamielyne and how we felt like Brian was always racist towards us for being South East Asian, dark, and with small eyes (she was Laotian, I was Filipina) Ironic thing is, BRIAN IS THAI, DARK, AND HAS SMALL EYES TOO! Obviously he has some self-hatred complex or is in denial or something lol.

Andee and I were friends, but we weren't the closest of friends. We would smile and catch up quickly whenever we got the chance, but her death really has affected me in ways she will never know. Well, one day she'll know, when we're in heaven one day and I go “HEY GIRL, I'VE MISSED YOU! ” It's just weird to think, that in one way I'm jealous because she is with Jesus, and I'm jealous of Jesus because he gets to be with her too! But can one even begin to imagine what it feels like to be in His arms? It kinda makes my heart beat really fast and takes my breath away. To meet this God-man who died for us because of this grace nobody can comprehend or understand, who died for us even when we didn't deserve it and rose from the dead? How beautiful and pure and glorious He is! I don't even understand how Jesus would even WANT to hug and be with me! I'm sinful, and I don't pay as much attention to Him as I should, and I do struggle with making idols of every day things (like money and career, reputation, marital status, beauty, etc.) And to think, that even with all my flaws, He STILL loves me! Amazing and I still can't grasp it.

Praise God that Andee was saved and is now spending eternity with Him!

...but I am still here, and obviously God's purpose for Andee was fulfilled, and it makes me think about how I'm spending my days here on earth. It's frustrating and annoying to do things just to survive (paying off bills and taxes, doing homework and reports, cleaning up, running errands for the house, etc.) but what about my ministry? At UCSB I serve on student leadership within Asian American Christian Fellowship. I love that fellowship! It was during my freshman year of college at a winter retreat sponsored by them that I accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior of my life. So my heart goes out to this fellowship, and when I graduate, I'll continue to pray for the new freshmen and transfers. I also disciple 2 younger sisters, Jessica (sophomore) and Rhena (freshman), who also accepted Christ during their freshman year. Jessica is just an adorable bundle of joy who is so in love with Jesus it shines! And Rhena, is so encouraging! I was teaching her about the inerrancy and infallibility of the Bible, about the differences between natural and special revelation, and she was asking questions like “What does sovereignty mean?” and once I'd answer, she would go, “Wow...God is so amazing..” AGH they are so thirsty and hungry it's so beautiful! I've talked to brothers and sisters of the faith who tell me that they are somewhat jealous, because they grew up in the Christian household and never understood what it felt like to be excited about Jesus since they were used to it. I hope that Rhena, Jessica, and I never understand what the means. But even after 3 years of being in the faith, and going through the motions, I watch Jessica and Rhena and am inspired. It's so sad to “get used” to the Christian lifestyle. It's so easy to forget the reasons why we do what we do.



Oh goodness. After I graduate in 4 weeks, I'll be moving back home to be with my family and to work part time while doing school for nursing. No more serving in AACF, but it's time to go back to Mommy and Joshua. I've been praying for a long time about finding a solid home church that the three of us can go to, but I'm not sure that it's plausible. Joshua has been so blessed by the Filipino bible study he has been going to. After having a serious talk with him a few days ago, and being even more convicted after Andee's death and from a conversation with a good brother, Josh told me that he felt like he was learning so much at this bible study and he was glad he made new friends. I told him that he needed to take faith in Jesus seriously, that life wasn't guaranteed because one day soon he could die, and depending on where he stands in his beliefs, he will be in heaven or hell. It's SO SCARY, not to know the future, but God is sovereign and THAT is comforting. My prayer is that Joshua grow up with godly brothers his age, and older, to lead him and to have great foundational doctrine in Jesus Christ. I've been wanting Joshua to have older brothers to look up to, and this church has a PLETHORA of men to lead him lol I need to continue to pray about this. If I decide to bring Joshua to this church as a homechurch, most likely my mommy won't be joining us because it's too far. But if I do choose this church, Joshua will be learning such great teaching of the Word (and he's already said he feels like he's learning so much) and he will have brothers to turn to during his high school years coming up. He is so young, and he seems so interested in church and I told him that I wanted to send him off to Mount Hermon (a Christian camp I've heard about from friends) this summer and he was excited. I feel like the Spirit is working so much in my household, and especially in my little brother, and to know that seeds are being planted is comforting. If one day, I am taken away at an early age as well, I hope that Joshua still grows up with an understanding of who Jesus is and what He has accomplished on the cross. I love my little brother. I'm always going to try and point him to the Word for answers. It's nice to see him opening up his bible and reading. I feel like my heart is so big it's gonna burst when it comes to my family. But God has done so much already in these last 3 years, what makes me think that He is going to stop? I need to continue to press on in persistent prayer like that persistent widow in Luke 18!

Man, crazy lessons being learned this past year...

thirst for the Word

Your testimonies are wonderful;
therefore my soul keeps them.
The unfolding of your words gives light;
it imparts understanding to the simple.
I open my mouth and pant,
because I long for your commandments.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
as is your way with those who love your name.
Keep steady my steps according to your promise,
and let no iniquity get dominion over me.
Redeem me from man's oppression,
that I may keep your precepts.
Make your face shine upon your servant,
and teach me your statues.
My eyes shed streams of tears,
because people do not keep your law.
-Psalm 119:129-136

Yesterday night I hung out with the crazy Jamie and joined her at Bible study! I was so blessed by the message given by Mark, about how this Psalmist really just has such a deep love and longing for God's Word. Every mature Christian knows their Bible, and they are well acquainted with what God says. It is through the Bible, that the character of God is revealed.

I'm not going to lie, but sometimes in the past (and even currently) I've been discouraged because I don't know the original Hebrew or Greek translations. I also don't understand a lot of cultural references. I'm not the best at being a student of the Bible, and I struggle a lot. But praise Him, He is teaching me day by day, and I learn a little bit more in His timing...I need to be responsible with what the Lord has given me, so I can become more mature in Him. And besides being frustrated with not knowing enough of the Bible, I am also wondering what I am doing with my life, when there are so many oppressed, poor people out there (and people suffering from natural disasters)! I don't have the practical means (like money) to help them, but I can always reach out to them in fervent prayer, for people to go out and help more! So really, I've been struggling with feelings of confusion, discouragement, and guilt. But that is not of the Lord, I know that much. I don't want to be paralyzed and be ineffective for God's work, but I just need to see this for what it is-my shortcomings, and how God's power will be made perfect in my weakness.

I know a few verses by heart, which are easy to give people who are in need of encouragement. But it's also really cool, because I'm going through this 90 day Devotional about being a Proverbs 31 Woman, so I'm memorizing Proverbs 31 and going through daily exercises! It's really great to be encouraged by reading about godly women, and trying to be one through God's grace. AGH I fall SO short lol but I can't waste time looking at myself when my eyes should be set on heaven. This is what I've learned from the devo so far (memorization):

A wife of noble character, who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her,
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax,
and works with eager hands.
-Proverbs 31:10-13

I feel like I'm getting older, especially with friends all around me getting married and having babies! I CANNOT BELIEVE I'M AN ADULT! AHHHHHH!!! Time passes by so fast. I've got be more alert and watchful.

Abba, Father

When I first became a believer, one of the most difficult parts about Christianity was seeing myself as a child of the Most High, and viewing Him as my Father. I know a huge part has to due with the fact that my own father failed me and my family. He left when I was a little child, and that set me off in a direction that would shape the way I acted and viewed fathers for more than a decade after. I didn't think God would love me unless I stopped sinning, and it was achievement-oriented. Once my parents divorced, I went from a C-/D student to straight A's and my parents beamed with pride. I guess that getting good grades and staying out of trouble was my way of keeping my dad's love. After all, he would come to all the achievement ceremonies and brag about me to all his friends. And going to a UC was just a prerequisite to continue having that love, that pride in me. But it was never because of me, it was because of what I did. No wonder it was so strange for me to hear about this unconditional love. This love from God, which says, "I love you the way you are, but I love you too much to leave you that way..."


I know my mommy would always love me no matter what. Thank God for her. I really don't know what I would do if she wasn't in my life for all those years, and I'm so heartbroken to say I took her love for granted for so long. It's because of her that I see how important it is to be a loving and gentle mother. My natural demeanor is not very gentle. Since my dad and step-dad walked out, I was the disciplinarian in my household, the replacement of the father. My mom was so tired out of working as a single mom that I had to be the one to make sure everything was okay. I resented her for this so much, but I guess I should have pointed the finger at my dads. But it's so much easier to point the finger at someone you know will never leave you. But if someone asked me who I loved most in the world, the first person who comes into my mind is my mommy. And my little brother lol big butt (joshua). Gosh. Family is so complicated. They can mess you up, and they can teach you the biggest, most rewarding lessons.

I guess I was also angry because I was this dominant, initiating, aggressive woman, when I was annoyed with women like that in the first place. I felt that if I had been raised by two parents, I could be more gentle and sweet. I kept blaming my problems on my parents. And not only that, I was so jealous of everyone around me who had families that weren't divorced. Back when I was a kid, it wasn't as normal as it is now. I felt like such an outcast, a child defined by my "broken" family. How could I not see myself as broken too? And it didn't help that I came from a family of divorce, on BOTH sides. I had actually convinced myself near the end of high school that I should never get married, to save my future kids from this pain and shame. My identity was nothing to be proud of. This anger and jealousy was unbearable.

Praise God that He delivered me from all that anger and lack of forgiveness I had towards my parents. I still remember the day I forgave my dad. We were eating at this Mexican fast food chain and we just talked and I remember seeing him as who he was-a man who was never really ready to lead a woman or children. And he isn't a believer, so he never saw the importance and the sacred binding unity of matrimony. But forgiveness really allows you to love a person, and I started to love him and pray more for him. I know he's seen a change in me, and he often makes fun of me for believing in this Christianity "B.S." Oh man...my dad is like a big kid. He uses vulgar language and has such dirty humor. He's also a prankster. Combine that with my mom, who is a sweet, loving, gentle woman who is also like a big child, AND YOU GET ME! WHAT THE HECK! I feel like I grew up too fast and then when I'm grown I see how young they really are! It scares me for when I have children. How will they view me when they are 21 and I'm 45? HAHAHHAHAHA Maybe we go backwards and become children again as we grow old. I mean, we'll need our children to change our diapers again after... ;)

I love my mom and dad. Despite the divorce, which shaped me very negatively, I've seen God's hand in my life all this time. During those dark times of crying and being angry, He was there holding me and whispering comforting words into my heart. I love my Abba Father. He is nothing like what I've experienced (and sadly, what so many young women understand all too well) and He is there shaping and molding me into the woman He wants me to be. I need a lot of help from Him of course!

It's amazing looking back to who I used to be, and who I am now that my identity is in Christ. I can honestly say with every fiber of my being, that I have forgiven my dad and am thankful that chapter in my life is over. This is just the beginning. I haven't seen my best days yet. And my Father in heaven will be there for me always.