lessons learned in love & family

I came home this weekend to celebrate Bethany and Alejo's wedding! Oh my gosh what a beautiful couple and ceremony. I don't know them too well, except for the few times I go to Bible study, but I am really blessed by them. They are godly as a couple and individually, and that is such a rarity. I do not know many godly couples and many couples I know who proclaim themselves to be Christian still do questionable things. But for so many people to be witnesses (friends and family) to the fact that Bethany and Alejo are a godly couple was refreshing and wonderful, and it gave me hope. Jamie and I began to cry when we saw Alejo cry during the vows AHHH!!!! So much love between those two!!! As I sat there watching the ceremony of these two becoming husband and wife, I realized more and more just how UNREADY I am to get married, and how much I have learned from my past.

I'm 21 years-old, and have dated before. I was saved when I was 19 and was dating a friend named Sam, but we broke up because of distance and theological issues. At first, we had the same beliefs about gender roles but towards the end of our relationship, he stated that he thought we should take a more egalitarian approach to our relationship. That means he was unsure of being the spiritual leader. He's still a good friend of mine, but we don't really talk too much because it's inappropriate. Egalitarianism promotes equality of the sexes, which means that females are now seen as equal in role and can become pastors, spiritual leaders over men, etc. We talked about it, and how I still believed in complementarianism, where men and women were equal, but there are still specific roles men and women are supposed to fulfill. After a year of dating, we decided to just stay friends and he is now back in Missouri going to law school. I have a lot to thank him for though, because he was so adamant about treating me as a sister in Christ before a girlfriend. We held hands a lot, and there was a lot of importance based on purity. So when we decided we weren't each other's future husband and wife, the shift to becoming friends from lovers wasn't really too different. We still pray for one another and I am super blessed to have him as my brother in Christ. One thing that also helped is this- I had (and still have) a strong conviction not to say "I love you" so i never said it to him. If a guy is going to tell me he loves me, he better follow up with a ring lol seriously though. There is so much emotional attachment to the word "love" When I say it, I want to say it to the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I have been single for a while but looking back before I became a Christian, I dated a couple of guys and realized a lot about myself. For instance, because my dad left me at a young age, I've always desired to have a stable male figure in my life. My mom eventually remarried, but my stepdad was more like a spawn of satan as opposed to an angel, so I looked to dating as a way of filling this hole in my heart. Also, all my friends were dating so I thought it was the norm. When I became Christian, I was dating Sam and I am realizing now that I have never just been single and walking with the Lord until that fateful 9 months ago. And it's actually...really beautiful and a huge blessing. God is not only my heavenly Father who will never leave me, but also my husband: "For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called." (Isaiah 54: 5) Because of the fact that I am single, I am able to serve in ministry without hindrance or devotion to worldly matters (Paul refers to this in 1 Corinthians 7). I have been so blessed by my brothers and sisters in Christ at UCSB. It's going to be really sad leaving UCSB but I think it's time to enter into a new chapter in God's story. I am really excited to just come home and serve my family, and to enter into a new church. God's hand in my family is so evident and I can't help but praise Him for all the work that He is doing! My very Catholic grandma came to service with my mom and Joshua for the first time yesterday, and she said she liked it. I still need to continue praying, but it's encouraging talking to my mom and hear her singing Christian songs and choosing to go to service instead of Mass even when I'm away.

This random conversation also happened between Josh and me yesterday:

Josh: There was this pastor who thought God spoke specifically to him, but it isn't true.
Me: Really? Why not?
Josh: Because it says in the last book of Revelation, that God has already spoken.
Me: Ohhh..where did you learn that?
Josh: At bible study from Kevin.

WHAAAAAAAAT THE...soo random. I never knew any of that when I was 14! And then he started talking about shoes or something else irrelevant and only 14 year old boys care about lol But it's times like that, where I see fruit and God just being so kind and merciful to my family. I am a first generation Christian, which is kinda heartbreaking, but at the same time I am given the privilege to start a godly lineage. I need to stay committed to Scripture and committed to evangelism. For every person I know who doesn't know Christ, I was placed into their life to preach the gospel. Easier said than done though, especially when most of my family doesn't know Christ. But it's all gravy! God is working, not me! I just gotta be obedient and trusting in Him.

At the beginning of today I read Psalm 91 and 92, and the first three chapters of Romans. I'm doing this one year Bible reading plan and have been enjoying going through the Word. I couldn't wrap my head around this! How beautiful God is and how faithful He is to us:

"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him,
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
-Psalm 91: 14-16

IT'S SOOOO INTIMATE! I long for that intimacy with God. my goodness. how sweet. this psalmist really loves God and thirsts for Him "As a deer pants for flowing streams, so my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God." (Psalm 42:1-2) and then another similar passage in Psalm 63: 1-3: "O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you, my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary; beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you." and then reading Romans...about atonement and propitiation...and how we are saved by faith and not by works. I hear it all the time it seems, but it just strikes a chord and I am just in awe of this thing we call grace. I do NOT get it! How amazing. Sometimes people ask me how old I am and I want to say I'm 3 years old, even though I'm 21. I really could not see, was not truly living, until the Lord opened my eyes. So really, I think I'm 3!

So this weekend was a great one. I am really sick and still at home with my mommy taking care of me, and catching up on reading. But as I look back on my life, in my experiences and motives for dating, and how life is now as a Christian, I see dating in a different light. I don't want to date anymore. I just want my next one to my last one, and I pray for my family and future family (including my brothers' future wives, and my future husband and children). Not only that though, but I couldn't help but feel a little bit of envy at seeing how many members of Bethany and Alejo's families knew the Lord and supported them in prayer. Bethany's dad is hilarious and gave her away, but it hurts to know that my dad is "giving me away" when in reality he was never there to take care of me in the first place. Thank the Lord I have a new family of believers to support me, but I really wish I had that in my blood family. Which is why, I'm kinda glad that for the next few years I can minister to my family in my singleness. Hopefully, by the time I'm up at an altar with my future husband, my little brother can be one of his groomsmen and be mature in Christ and praying for me too. He's only 14 right now but I love him to death and hope God does a mighty work in him and the rest of my family members.

I'm graduating in 3 weeks. I'm excited for what God has in store for me.