Abba, Father

When I first became a believer, one of the most difficult parts about Christianity was seeing myself as a child of the Most High, and viewing Him as my Father. I know a huge part has to due with the fact that my own father failed me and my family. He left when I was a little child, and that set me off in a direction that would shape the way I acted and viewed fathers for more than a decade after. I didn't think God would love me unless I stopped sinning, and it was achievement-oriented. Once my parents divorced, I went from a C-/D student to straight A's and my parents beamed with pride. I guess that getting good grades and staying out of trouble was my way of keeping my dad's love. After all, he would come to all the achievement ceremonies and brag about me to all his friends. And going to a UC was just a prerequisite to continue having that love, that pride in me. But it was never because of me, it was because of what I did. No wonder it was so strange for me to hear about this unconditional love. This love from God, which says, "I love you the way you are, but I love you too much to leave you that way..."


I know my mommy would always love me no matter what. Thank God for her. I really don't know what I would do if she wasn't in my life for all those years, and I'm so heartbroken to say I took her love for granted for so long. It's because of her that I see how important it is to be a loving and gentle mother. My natural demeanor is not very gentle. Since my dad and step-dad walked out, I was the disciplinarian in my household, the replacement of the father. My mom was so tired out of working as a single mom that I had to be the one to make sure everything was okay. I resented her for this so much, but I guess I should have pointed the finger at my dads. But it's so much easier to point the finger at someone you know will never leave you. But if someone asked me who I loved most in the world, the first person who comes into my mind is my mommy. And my little brother lol big butt (joshua). Gosh. Family is so complicated. They can mess you up, and they can teach you the biggest, most rewarding lessons.

I guess I was also angry because I was this dominant, initiating, aggressive woman, when I was annoyed with women like that in the first place. I felt that if I had been raised by two parents, I could be more gentle and sweet. I kept blaming my problems on my parents. And not only that, I was so jealous of everyone around me who had families that weren't divorced. Back when I was a kid, it wasn't as normal as it is now. I felt like such an outcast, a child defined by my "broken" family. How could I not see myself as broken too? And it didn't help that I came from a family of divorce, on BOTH sides. I had actually convinced myself near the end of high school that I should never get married, to save my future kids from this pain and shame. My identity was nothing to be proud of. This anger and jealousy was unbearable.

Praise God that He delivered me from all that anger and lack of forgiveness I had towards my parents. I still remember the day I forgave my dad. We were eating at this Mexican fast food chain and we just talked and I remember seeing him as who he was-a man who was never really ready to lead a woman or children. And he isn't a believer, so he never saw the importance and the sacred binding unity of matrimony. But forgiveness really allows you to love a person, and I started to love him and pray more for him. I know he's seen a change in me, and he often makes fun of me for believing in this Christianity "B.S." Oh man...my dad is like a big kid. He uses vulgar language and has such dirty humor. He's also a prankster. Combine that with my mom, who is a sweet, loving, gentle woman who is also like a big child, AND YOU GET ME! WHAT THE HECK! I feel like I grew up too fast and then when I'm grown I see how young they really are! It scares me for when I have children. How will they view me when they are 21 and I'm 45? HAHAHHAHAHA Maybe we go backwards and become children again as we grow old. I mean, we'll need our children to change our diapers again after... ;)

I love my mom and dad. Despite the divorce, which shaped me very negatively, I've seen God's hand in my life all this time. During those dark times of crying and being angry, He was there holding me and whispering comforting words into my heart. I love my Abba Father. He is nothing like what I've experienced (and sadly, what so many young women understand all too well) and He is there shaping and molding me into the woman He wants me to be. I need a lot of help from Him of course!

It's amazing looking back to who I used to be, and who I am now that my identity is in Christ. I can honestly say with every fiber of my being, that I have forgiven my dad and am thankful that chapter in my life is over. This is just the beginning. I haven't seen my best days yet. And my Father in heaven will be there for me always.