Yesterday was Father's Day! How cute na cute! I invited my Dad to have lunch with my mommy, Joshua, Billy and me at Cheesecake Factory so we could all celebrate. I went to my mom's church nearby home FFC (First Family Christian) instead of SBCAC (South Bay Christian Alliance) so I could make it to lunch on time, and what a surprise i had at church...MY DAD JOINED US! It was the first time he had ever gone to a Christian service, and even when my parents were married I don't remember him being there with us during Catholic Mass. He said it wasn't "that bad" and liked it more than Mass, which was surprising. He even made a few jokes about the sermon, since he doesn't believe in Jesus, but it was nice to know he was listening to certain parts though he purposefully sat down with his eyes closed during the entire message. I said "Dad so this means you're coming back next Sunday right?" and he laughed and said "Yeah, you mean NEXT Father's Day!" It's still a miracle in and of itself that he doesn't mind coming back!
During lunch my mom gave him his present and they laughed and exchanged jokes and I sat next to my brothers. It is so weird how nice and friendly it is when we eat together as a family. It really feels like this backward progression where...you know, people are supposed to have pleasant family memories of growing up with married parents, but the pleasant memories are in the making as we speak. They are still divorced, and my little brother Josh has a different dad, but it feels sweet when we are all together. Even better than anything I'd experienced in the past. And I praise God for that, because it seriously is ALL of His work! I really can't explain it in words but I really want my family to be saved, not only for their sakes, but for the glory of God's name! My gosh, so much change is already occurring. My mom and I used to fight all the time and now I consider her one of my best friends, and though my dad hurts my feelings a lot because he usually calls me fat or ugly or not smart, he is a lot better in terms of answering my phone calls and hanging out with me. I know he loves me, he just has a really..strange way of showing it. I have to continually remind myself that he does not know Jesus, and that I have to shine that light to him. Earlier this year I decided to send weekly text messages from SB to both my mom and dad, like "Hey mom, hey dad, I miss you guys. God bless." or "Hey Dad, love you and Jesus loves you too." I really believe that it softened my dad's heart, even though he doesn't believe. Our relationship has changed drastically, for the better, and it's still not perfect but that's ok. I'm going to keep hoping and trusting that God will take care of my family.
Although I don't do it as much as I should, when I do, I cry out for God to have mercy on my family...
"And I tell you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened."-Luke 11:9-10
"And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us."-1 John 5:14
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."-Romans 8:28
I don't know what stops me from asking more from my Father in heaven but I know that He loves me and listens to me so I am going to stop being shy and just continue to ask for grace and blessing upon my family! It's also amazing to know that everything works together for the good of those who love him. I want all of them to know Jesus Christ personally and intimately. My dad's life would be changed so much...I can't even imagine. And I can't thank God enough for Joshua learning more and more from the Bible study every Friday night. I absolutely love being back at home! I get to be with my family and witness all these great things. And because I'm not stressing over finals, I get more time to read and just rest. I get antsy and bounce up and down thinking about the changes and God's hand working, and I just need to thank Him and praise Him so much! Oh God is so good...
"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are." -1 John 3:1
I am God's child, and every day is a Happy Father's Day for Him! Praise Him!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
lessons learned in love & family
I came home this weekend to celebrate Bethany and Alejo's wedding! Oh my gosh what a beautiful couple and ceremony. I don't know them too well, except for the few times I go to Bible study, but I am really blessed by them. They are godly as a couple and individually, and that is such a rarity. I do not know many godly couples and many couples I know who proclaim themselves to be Christian still do questionable things. But for so many people to be witnesses (friends and family) to the fact that Bethany and Alejo are a godly couple was refreshing and wonderful, and it gave me hope. Jamie and I began to cry when we saw Alejo cry during the vows AHHH!!!! So much love between those two!!! As I sat there watching the ceremony of these two becoming husband and wife, I realized more and more just how UNREADY I am to get married, and how much I have learned from my past.
I'm 21 years-old, and have dated before. I was saved when I was 19 and was dating a friend named Sam, but we broke up because of distance and theological issues. At first, we had the same beliefs about gender roles but towards the end of our relationship, he stated that he thought we should take a more egalitarian approach to our relationship. That means he was unsure of being the spiritual leader. He's still a good friend of mine, but we don't really talk too much because it's inappropriate. Egalitarianism promotes equality of the sexes, which means that females are now seen as equal in role and can become pastors, spiritual leaders over men, etc. We talked about it, and how I still believed in complementarianism, where men and women were equal, but there are still specific roles men and women are supposed to fulfill. After a year of dating, we decided to just stay friends and he is now back in Missouri going to law school. I have a lot to thank him for though, because he was so adamant about treating me as a sister in Christ before a girlfriend. We held hands a lot, and there was a lot of importance based on purity. So when we decided we weren't each other's future husband and wife, the shift to becoming friends from lovers wasn't really too different. We still pray for one another and I am super blessed to have him as my brother in Christ. One thing that also helped is this- I had (and still have) a strong conviction not to say "I love you" so i never said it to him. If a guy is going to tell me he loves me, he better follow up with a ring lol seriously though. There is so much emotional attachment to the word "love" When I say it, I want to say it to the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I have been single for a while but looking back before I became a Christian, I dated a couple of guys and realized a lot about myself. For instance, because my dad left me at a young age, I've always desired to have a stable male figure in my life. My mom eventually remarried, but my stepdad was more like a spawn of satan as opposed to an angel, so I looked to dating as a way of filling this hole in my heart. Also, all my friends were dating so I thought it was the norm. When I became Christian, I was dating Sam and I am realizing now that I have never just been single and walking with the Lord until that fateful 9 months ago. And it's actually...really beautiful and a huge blessing. God is not only my heavenly Father who will never leave me, but also my husband: "For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called." (Isaiah 54: 5) Because of the fact that I am single, I am able to serve in ministry without hindrance or devotion to worldly matters (Paul refers to this in 1 Corinthians 7). I have been so blessed by my brothers and sisters in Christ at UCSB. It's going to be really sad leaving UCSB but I think it's time to enter into a new chapter in God's story. I am really excited to just come home and serve my family, and to enter into a new church. God's hand in my family is so evident and I can't help but praise Him for all the work that He is doing! My very Catholic grandma came to service with my mom and Joshua for the first time yesterday, and she said she liked it. I still need to continue praying, but it's encouraging talking to my mom and hear her singing Christian songs and choosing to go to service instead of Mass even when I'm away.
This random conversation also happened between Josh and me yesterday:
Josh: There was this pastor who thought God spoke specifically to him, but it isn't true.
Me: Really? Why not?
Josh: Because it says in the last book of Revelation, that God has already spoken.
Me: Ohhh..where did you learn that?
Josh: At bible study from Kevin.
WHAAAAAAAAT THE...soo random. I never knew any of that when I was 14! And then he started talking about shoes or something else irrelevant and only 14 year old boys care about lol But it's times like that, where I see fruit and God just being so kind and merciful to my family. I am a first generation Christian, which is kinda heartbreaking, but at the same time I am given the privilege to start a godly lineage. I need to stay committed to Scripture and committed to evangelism. For every person I know who doesn't know Christ, I was placed into their life to preach the gospel. Easier said than done though, especially when most of my family doesn't know Christ. But it's all gravy! God is working, not me! I just gotta be obedient and trusting in Him.
At the beginning of today I read Psalm 91 and 92, and the first three chapters of Romans. I'm doing this one year Bible reading plan and have been enjoying going through the Word. I couldn't wrap my head around this! How beautiful God is and how faithful He is to us:
"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him,
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
-Psalm 91: 14-16
IT'S SOOOO INTIMATE! I long for that intimacy with God. my goodness. how sweet. this psalmist really loves God and thirsts for Him "As a deer pants for flowing streams, so my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God." (Psalm 42:1-2) and then another similar passage in Psalm 63: 1-3: "O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you, my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary; beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you." and then reading Romans...about atonement and propitiation...and how we are saved by faith and not by works. I hear it all the time it seems, but it just strikes a chord and I am just in awe of this thing we call grace. I do NOT get it! How amazing. Sometimes people ask me how old I am and I want to say I'm 3 years old, even though I'm 21. I really could not see, was not truly living, until the Lord opened my eyes. So really, I think I'm 3!
So this weekend was a great one. I am really sick and still at home with my mommy taking care of me, and catching up on reading. But as I look back on my life, in my experiences and motives for dating, and how life is now as a Christian, I see dating in a different light. I don't want to date anymore. I just want my next one to my last one, and I pray for my family and future family (including my brothers' future wives, and my future husband and children). Not only that though, but I couldn't help but feel a little bit of envy at seeing how many members of Bethany and Alejo's families knew the Lord and supported them in prayer. Bethany's dad is hilarious and gave her away, but it hurts to know that my dad is "giving me away" when in reality he was never there to take care of me in the first place. Thank the Lord I have a new family of believers to support me, but I really wish I had that in my blood family. Which is why, I'm kinda glad that for the next few years I can minister to my family in my singleness. Hopefully, by the time I'm up at an altar with my future husband, my little brother can be one of his groomsmen and be mature in Christ and praying for me too. He's only 14 right now but I love him to death and hope God does a mighty work in him and the rest of my family members.
I'm graduating in 3 weeks. I'm excited for what God has in store for me.
I'm 21 years-old, and have dated before. I was saved when I was 19 and was dating a friend named Sam, but we broke up because of distance and theological issues. At first, we had the same beliefs about gender roles but towards the end of our relationship, he stated that he thought we should take a more egalitarian approach to our relationship. That means he was unsure of being the spiritual leader. He's still a good friend of mine, but we don't really talk too much because it's inappropriate. Egalitarianism promotes equality of the sexes, which means that females are now seen as equal in role and can become pastors, spiritual leaders over men, etc. We talked about it, and how I still believed in complementarianism, where men and women were equal, but there are still specific roles men and women are supposed to fulfill. After a year of dating, we decided to just stay friends and he is now back in Missouri going to law school. I have a lot to thank him for though, because he was so adamant about treating me as a sister in Christ before a girlfriend. We held hands a lot, and there was a lot of importance based on purity. So when we decided we weren't each other's future husband and wife, the shift to becoming friends from lovers wasn't really too different. We still pray for one another and I am super blessed to have him as my brother in Christ. One thing that also helped is this- I had (and still have) a strong conviction not to say "I love you" so i never said it to him. If a guy is going to tell me he loves me, he better follow up with a ring lol seriously though. There is so much emotional attachment to the word "love" When I say it, I want to say it to the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I have been single for a while but looking back before I became a Christian, I dated a couple of guys and realized a lot about myself. For instance, because my dad left me at a young age, I've always desired to have a stable male figure in my life. My mom eventually remarried, but my stepdad was more like a spawn of satan as opposed to an angel, so I looked to dating as a way of filling this hole in my heart. Also, all my friends were dating so I thought it was the norm. When I became Christian, I was dating Sam and I am realizing now that I have never just been single and walking with the Lord until that fateful 9 months ago. And it's actually...really beautiful and a huge blessing. God is not only my heavenly Father who will never leave me, but also my husband: "For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called." (Isaiah 54: 5) Because of the fact that I am single, I am able to serve in ministry without hindrance or devotion to worldly matters (Paul refers to this in 1 Corinthians 7). I have been so blessed by my brothers and sisters in Christ at UCSB. It's going to be really sad leaving UCSB but I think it's time to enter into a new chapter in God's story. I am really excited to just come home and serve my family, and to enter into a new church. God's hand in my family is so evident and I can't help but praise Him for all the work that He is doing! My very Catholic grandma came to service with my mom and Joshua for the first time yesterday, and she said she liked it. I still need to continue praying, but it's encouraging talking to my mom and hear her singing Christian songs and choosing to go to service instead of Mass even when I'm away.
This random conversation also happened between Josh and me yesterday:
Josh: There was this pastor who thought God spoke specifically to him, but it isn't true.
Me: Really? Why not?
Josh: Because it says in the last book of Revelation, that God has already spoken.
Me: Ohhh..where did you learn that?
Josh: At bible study from Kevin.
WHAAAAAAAAT THE...soo random. I never knew any of that when I was 14! And then he started talking about shoes or something else irrelevant and only 14 year old boys care about lol But it's times like that, where I see fruit and God just being so kind and merciful to my family. I am a first generation Christian, which is kinda heartbreaking, but at the same time I am given the privilege to start a godly lineage. I need to stay committed to Scripture and committed to evangelism. For every person I know who doesn't know Christ, I was placed into their life to preach the gospel. Easier said than done though, especially when most of my family doesn't know Christ. But it's all gravy! God is working, not me! I just gotta be obedient and trusting in Him.
At the beginning of today I read Psalm 91 and 92, and the first three chapters of Romans. I'm doing this one year Bible reading plan and have been enjoying going through the Word. I couldn't wrap my head around this! How beautiful God is and how faithful He is to us:
"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him,
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
-Psalm 91: 14-16
IT'S SOOOO INTIMATE! I long for that intimacy with God. my goodness. how sweet. this psalmist really loves God and thirsts for Him "As a deer pants for flowing streams, so my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God." (Psalm 42:1-2) and then another similar passage in Psalm 63: 1-3: "O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you, my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary; beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you." and then reading Romans...about atonement and propitiation...and how we are saved by faith and not by works. I hear it all the time it seems, but it just strikes a chord and I am just in awe of this thing we call grace. I do NOT get it! How amazing. Sometimes people ask me how old I am and I want to say I'm 3 years old, even though I'm 21. I really could not see, was not truly living, until the Lord opened my eyes. So really, I think I'm 3!
So this weekend was a great one. I am really sick and still at home with my mommy taking care of me, and catching up on reading. But as I look back on my life, in my experiences and motives for dating, and how life is now as a Christian, I see dating in a different light. I don't want to date anymore. I just want my next one to my last one, and I pray for my family and future family (including my brothers' future wives, and my future husband and children). Not only that though, but I couldn't help but feel a little bit of envy at seeing how many members of Bethany and Alejo's families knew the Lord and supported them in prayer. Bethany's dad is hilarious and gave her away, but it hurts to know that my dad is "giving me away" when in reality he was never there to take care of me in the first place. Thank the Lord I have a new family of believers to support me, but I really wish I had that in my blood family. Which is why, I'm kinda glad that for the next few years I can minister to my family in my singleness. Hopefully, by the time I'm up at an altar with my future husband, my little brother can be one of his groomsmen and be mature in Christ and praying for me too. He's only 14 right now but I love him to death and hope God does a mighty work in him and the rest of my family members.
I'm graduating in 3 weeks. I'm excited for what God has in store for me.
Monday, May 10, 2010
R.I.P. Andee Banrasavong
"Now listen, you who say 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." -James 4: 13-17
Knowing that my sister Andee has gone to heaven has been a really crazy wake-up call. My gosh, she was so young. Only 22, engaged, and thinking so much about the future. Next week is our fellowship's Senior Banquet and she had turned in her questionnaire earliest of us all. It's not going to be the same without her. She was so gentle, and sweet, and loving. We bonded a lot because of our love for Jamielyne and how we felt like Brian was always racist towards us for being South East Asian, dark, and with small eyes (she was Laotian, I was Filipina) Ironic thing is, BRIAN IS THAI, DARK, AND HAS SMALL EYES TOO! Obviously he has some self-hatred complex or is in denial or something lol.
Andee and I were friends, but we weren't the closest of friends. We would smile and catch up quickly whenever we got the chance, but her death really has affected me in ways she will never know. Well, one day she'll know, when we're in heaven one day and I go “HEY GIRL, I'VE MISSED YOU! ” It's just weird to think, that in one way I'm jealous because she is with Jesus, and I'm jealous of Jesus because he gets to be with her too! But can one even begin to imagine what it feels like to be in His arms? It kinda makes my heart beat really fast and takes my breath away. To meet this God-man who died for us because of this grace nobody can comprehend or understand, who died for us even when we didn't deserve it and rose from the dead? How beautiful and pure and glorious He is! I don't even understand how Jesus would even WANT to hug and be with me! I'm sinful, and I don't pay as much attention to Him as I should, and I do struggle with making idols of every day things (like money and career, reputation, marital status, beauty, etc.) And to think, that even with all my flaws, He STILL loves me! Amazing and I still can't grasp it.
Praise God that Andee was saved and is now spending eternity with Him!
...but I am still here, and obviously God's purpose for Andee was fulfilled, and it makes me think about how I'm spending my days here on earth. It's frustrating and annoying to do things just to survive (paying off bills and taxes, doing homework and reports, cleaning up, running errands for the house, etc.) but what about my ministry? At UCSB I serve on student leadership within Asian American Christian Fellowship. I love that fellowship! It was during my freshman year of college at a winter retreat sponsored by them that I accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior of my life. So my heart goes out to this fellowship, and when I graduate, I'll continue to pray for the new freshmen and transfers. I also disciple 2 younger sisters, Jessica (sophomore) and Rhena (freshman), who also accepted Christ during their freshman year. Jessica is just an adorable bundle of joy who is so in love with Jesus it shines! And Rhena, is so encouraging! I was teaching her about the inerrancy and infallibility of the Bible, about the differences between natural and special revelation, and she was asking questions like “What does sovereignty mean?” and once I'd answer, she would go, “Wow...God is so amazing..” AGH they are so thirsty and hungry it's so beautiful! I've talked to brothers and sisters of the faith who tell me that they are somewhat jealous, because they grew up in the Christian household and never understood what it felt like to be excited about Jesus since they were used to it. I hope that Rhena, Jessica, and I never understand what the means. But even after 3 years of being in the faith, and going through the motions, I watch Jessica and Rhena and am inspired. It's so sad to “get used” to the Christian lifestyle. It's so easy to forget the reasons why we do what we do.
Oh goodness. After I graduate in 4 weeks, I'll be moving back home to be with my family and to work part time while doing school for nursing. No more serving in AACF, but it's time to go back to Mommy and Joshua. I've been praying for a long time about finding a solid home church that the three of us can go to, but I'm not sure that it's plausible. Joshua has been so blessed by the Filipino bible study he has been going to. After having a serious talk with him a few days ago, and being even more convicted after Andee's death and from a conversation with a good brother, Josh told me that he felt like he was learning so much at this bible study and he was glad he made new friends. I told him that he needed to take faith in Jesus seriously, that life wasn't guaranteed because one day soon he could die, and depending on where he stands in his beliefs, he will be in heaven or hell. It's SO SCARY, not to know the future, but God is sovereign and THAT is comforting. My prayer is that Joshua grow up with godly brothers his age, and older, to lead him and to have great foundational doctrine in Jesus Christ. I've been wanting Joshua to have older brothers to look up to, and this church has a PLETHORA of men to lead him lol I need to continue to pray about this. If I decide to bring Joshua to this church as a homechurch, most likely my mommy won't be joining us because it's too far. But if I do choose this church, Joshua will be learning such great teaching of the Word (and he's already said he feels like he's learning so much) and he will have brothers to turn to during his high school years coming up. He is so young, and he seems so interested in church and I told him that I wanted to send him off to Mount Hermon (a Christian camp I've heard about from friends) this summer and he was excited. I feel like the Spirit is working so much in my household, and especially in my little brother, and to know that seeds are being planted is comforting. If one day, I am taken away at an early age as well, I hope that Joshua still grows up with an understanding of who Jesus is and what He has accomplished on the cross. I love my little brother. I'm always going to try and point him to the Word for answers. It's nice to see him opening up his bible and reading. I feel like my heart is so big it's gonna burst when it comes to my family. But God has done so much already in these last 3 years, what makes me think that He is going to stop? I need to continue to press on in persistent prayer like that persistent widow in Luke 18!
Man, crazy lessons being learned this past year...
Saturday, March 27, 2010
thirst for the Word
Your testimonies are wonderful;
therefore my soul keeps them.
The unfolding of your words gives light;
it imparts understanding to the simple.
I open my mouth and pant,
because I long for your commandments.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
as is your way with those who love your name.
Keep steady my steps according to your promise,
and let no iniquity get dominion over me.
Redeem me from man's oppression,
that I may keep your precepts.
Make your face shine upon your servant,
and teach me your statues.
My eyes shed streams of tears,
because people do not keep your law.
-Psalm 119:129-136
Yesterday night I hung out with the crazy Jamie and joined her at Bible study! I was so blessed by the message given by Mark, about how this Psalmist really just has such a deep love and longing for God's Word. Every mature Christian knows their Bible, and they are well acquainted with what God says. It is through the Bible, that the character of God is revealed.
I'm not going to lie, but sometimes in the past (and even currently) I've been discouraged because I don't know the original Hebrew or Greek translations. I also don't understand a lot of cultural references. I'm not the best at being a student of the Bible, and I struggle a lot. But praise Him, He is teaching me day by day, and I learn a little bit more in His timing...I need to be responsible with what the Lord has given me, so I can become more mature in Him. And besides being frustrated with not knowing enough of the Bible, I am also wondering what I am doing with my life, when there are so many oppressed, poor people out there (and people suffering from natural disasters)! I don't have the practical means (like money) to help them, but I can always reach out to them in fervent prayer, for people to go out and help more! So really, I've been struggling with feelings of confusion, discouragement, and guilt. But that is not of the Lord, I know that much. I don't want to be paralyzed and be ineffective for God's work, but I just need to see this for what it is-my shortcomings, and how God's power will be made perfect in my weakness.
I know a few verses by heart, which are easy to give people who are in need of encouragement. But it's also really cool, because I'm going through this 90 day Devotional about being a Proverbs 31 Woman, so I'm memorizing Proverbs 31 and going through daily exercises! It's really great to be encouraged by reading about godly women, and trying to be one through God's grace. AGH I fall SO short lol but I can't waste time looking at myself when my eyes should be set on heaven. This is what I've learned from the devo so far (memorization):
A wife of noble character, who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her,
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax,
and works with eager hands.
-Proverbs 31:10-13
I feel like I'm getting older, especially with friends all around me getting married and having babies! I CANNOT BELIEVE I'M AN ADULT! AHHHHHH!!! Time passes by so fast. I've got be more alert and watchful.
therefore my soul keeps them.
The unfolding of your words gives light;
it imparts understanding to the simple.
I open my mouth and pant,
because I long for your commandments.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
as is your way with those who love your name.
Keep steady my steps according to your promise,
and let no iniquity get dominion over me.
Redeem me from man's oppression,
that I may keep your precepts.
Make your face shine upon your servant,
and teach me your statues.
My eyes shed streams of tears,
because people do not keep your law.
-Psalm 119:129-136
Yesterday night I hung out with the crazy Jamie and joined her at Bible study! I was so blessed by the message given by Mark, about how this Psalmist really just has such a deep love and longing for God's Word. Every mature Christian knows their Bible, and they are well acquainted with what God says. It is through the Bible, that the character of God is revealed.
I'm not going to lie, but sometimes in the past (and even currently) I've been discouraged because I don't know the original Hebrew or Greek translations. I also don't understand a lot of cultural references. I'm not the best at being a student of the Bible, and I struggle a lot. But praise Him, He is teaching me day by day, and I learn a little bit more in His timing...I need to be responsible with what the Lord has given me, so I can become more mature in Him. And besides being frustrated with not knowing enough of the Bible, I am also wondering what I am doing with my life, when there are so many oppressed, poor people out there (and people suffering from natural disasters)! I don't have the practical means (like money) to help them, but I can always reach out to them in fervent prayer, for people to go out and help more! So really, I've been struggling with feelings of confusion, discouragement, and guilt. But that is not of the Lord, I know that much. I don't want to be paralyzed and be ineffective for God's work, but I just need to see this for what it is-my shortcomings, and how God's power will be made perfect in my weakness.
I know a few verses by heart, which are easy to give people who are in need of encouragement. But it's also really cool, because I'm going through this 90 day Devotional about being a Proverbs 31 Woman, so I'm memorizing Proverbs 31 and going through daily exercises! It's really great to be encouraged by reading about godly women, and trying to be one through God's grace. AGH I fall SO short lol but I can't waste time looking at myself when my eyes should be set on heaven. This is what I've learned from the devo so far (memorization):
A wife of noble character, who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her,
and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm
all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax,
and works with eager hands.
-Proverbs 31:10-13
I feel like I'm getting older, especially with friends all around me getting married and having babies! I CANNOT BELIEVE I'M AN ADULT! AHHHHHH!!! Time passes by so fast. I've got be more alert and watchful.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Abba, Father
When I first became a believer, one of the most difficult parts about Christianity was seeing myself as a child of the Most High, and viewing Him as my Father. I know a huge part has to due with the fact that my own father failed me and my family. He left when I was a little child, and that set me off in a direction that would shape the way I acted and viewed fathers for more than a decade after. I didn't think God would love me unless I stopped sinning, and it was achievement-oriented. Once my parents divorced, I went from a C-/D student to straight A's and my parents beamed with pride. I guess that getting good grades and staying out of trouble was my way of keeping my dad's love. After all, he would come to all the achievement ceremonies and brag about me to all his friends. And going to a UC was just a prerequisite to continue having that love, that pride in me. But it was never because of me, it was because of what I did. No wonder it was so strange for me to hear about this unconditional love. This love from God, which says, "I love you the way you are, but I love you too much to leave you that way..."
I know my mommy would always love me no matter what. Thank God for her. I really don't know what I would do if she wasn't in my life for all those years, and I'm so heartbroken to say I took her love for granted for so long. It's because of her that I see how important it is to be a loving and gentle mother. My natural demeanor is not very gentle. Since my dad and step-dad walked out, I was the disciplinarian in my household, the replacement of the father. My mom was so tired out of working as a single mom that I had to be the one to make sure everything was okay. I resented her for this so much, but I guess I should have pointed the finger at my dads. But it's so much easier to point the finger at someone you know will never leave you. But if someone asked me who I loved most in the world, the first person who comes into my mind is my mommy. And my little brother lol big butt (joshua). Gosh. Family is so complicated. They can mess you up, and they can teach you the biggest, most rewarding lessons.
I guess I was also angry because I was this dominant, initiating, aggressive woman, when I was annoyed with women like that in the first place. I felt that if I had been raised by two parents, I could be more gentle and sweet. I kept blaming my problems on my parents. And not only that, I was so jealous of everyone around me who had families that weren't divorced. Back when I was a kid, it wasn't as normal as it is now. I felt like such an outcast, a child defined by my "broken" family. How could I not see myself as broken too? And it didn't help that I came from a family of divorce, on BOTH sides. I had actually convinced myself near the end of high school that I should never get married, to save my future kids from this pain and shame. My identity was nothing to be proud of. This anger and jealousy was unbearable.
Praise God that He delivered me from all that anger and lack of forgiveness I had towards my parents. I still remember the day I forgave my dad. We were eating at this Mexican fast food chain and we just talked and I remember seeing him as who he was-a man who was never really ready to lead a woman or children. And he isn't a believer, so he never saw the importance and the sacred binding unity of matrimony. But forgiveness really allows you to love a person, and I started to love him and pray more for him. I know he's seen a change in me, and he often makes fun of me for believing in this Christianity "B.S." Oh man...my dad is like a big kid. He uses vulgar language and has such dirty humor. He's also a prankster. Combine that with my mom, who is a sweet, loving, gentle woman who is also like a big child, AND YOU GET ME! WHAT THE HECK! I feel like I grew up too fast and then when I'm grown I see how young they really are! It scares me for when I have children. How will they view me when they are 21 and I'm 45? HAHAHHAHAHA Maybe we go backwards and become children again as we grow old. I mean, we'll need our children to change our diapers again after... ;)
I love my mom and dad. Despite the divorce, which shaped me very negatively, I've seen God's hand in my life all this time. During those dark times of crying and being angry, He was there holding me and whispering comforting words into my heart. I love my Abba Father. He is nothing like what I've experienced (and sadly, what so many young women understand all too well) and He is there shaping and molding me into the woman He wants me to be. I need a lot of help from Him of course!
It's amazing looking back to who I used to be, and who I am now that my identity is in Christ. I can honestly say with every fiber of my being, that I have forgiven my dad and am thankful that chapter in my life is over. This is just the beginning. I haven't seen my best days yet. And my Father in heaven will be there for me always.
I know my mommy would always love me no matter what. Thank God for her. I really don't know what I would do if she wasn't in my life for all those years, and I'm so heartbroken to say I took her love for granted for so long. It's because of her that I see how important it is to be a loving and gentle mother. My natural demeanor is not very gentle. Since my dad and step-dad walked out, I was the disciplinarian in my household, the replacement of the father. My mom was so tired out of working as a single mom that I had to be the one to make sure everything was okay. I resented her for this so much, but I guess I should have pointed the finger at my dads. But it's so much easier to point the finger at someone you know will never leave you. But if someone asked me who I loved most in the world, the first person who comes into my mind is my mommy. And my little brother lol big butt (joshua). Gosh. Family is so complicated. They can mess you up, and they can teach you the biggest, most rewarding lessons.
I guess I was also angry because I was this dominant, initiating, aggressive woman, when I was annoyed with women like that in the first place. I felt that if I had been raised by two parents, I could be more gentle and sweet. I kept blaming my problems on my parents. And not only that, I was so jealous of everyone around me who had families that weren't divorced. Back when I was a kid, it wasn't as normal as it is now. I felt like such an outcast, a child defined by my "broken" family. How could I not see myself as broken too? And it didn't help that I came from a family of divorce, on BOTH sides. I had actually convinced myself near the end of high school that I should never get married, to save my future kids from this pain and shame. My identity was nothing to be proud of. This anger and jealousy was unbearable.
Praise God that He delivered me from all that anger and lack of forgiveness I had towards my parents. I still remember the day I forgave my dad. We were eating at this Mexican fast food chain and we just talked and I remember seeing him as who he was-a man who was never really ready to lead a woman or children. And he isn't a believer, so he never saw the importance and the sacred binding unity of matrimony. But forgiveness really allows you to love a person, and I started to love him and pray more for him. I know he's seen a change in me, and he often makes fun of me for believing in this Christianity "B.S." Oh man...my dad is like a big kid. He uses vulgar language and has such dirty humor. He's also a prankster. Combine that with my mom, who is a sweet, loving, gentle woman who is also like a big child, AND YOU GET ME! WHAT THE HECK! I feel like I grew up too fast and then when I'm grown I see how young they really are! It scares me for when I have children. How will they view me when they are 21 and I'm 45? HAHAHHAHAHA Maybe we go backwards and become children again as we grow old. I mean, we'll need our children to change our diapers again after... ;)
I love my mom and dad. Despite the divorce, which shaped me very negatively, I've seen God's hand in my life all this time. During those dark times of crying and being angry, He was there holding me and whispering comforting words into my heart. I love my Abba Father. He is nothing like what I've experienced (and sadly, what so many young women understand all too well) and He is there shaping and molding me into the woman He wants me to be. I need a lot of help from Him of course!
It's amazing looking back to who I used to be, and who I am now that my identity is in Christ. I can honestly say with every fiber of my being, that I have forgiven my dad and am thankful that chapter in my life is over. This is just the beginning. I haven't seen my best days yet. And my Father in heaven will be there for me always.
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