musings.

This past year has been CRAZY. I really cannot believe that there's two more days of 2011 left! Where does all the time go? It seems to pass by faster and faster as I grow older.

I actually wrote a post a few days ago about everything I've been going through in regards to the death of my grandfather, and deleted it a few hours later. It really is strange to say goodbye to someone you love a lot, and to only hope in God's sovereignty and have no complete assurance about his whereabouts in the next life. I was crying as I typed, and I wrote with transparency (which is something I don't usually struggle with, I've actually been called out for being "too transparent") but that's the weird thing about me...once something really hurts or just bothers me, I don't say anything. But a million things go on in my head and in my heart. All I can say is: thank you for your prayers, and thank you to my good friends who asked me how I was doing. I usually shrugged it off with an "I'm okay, these things happen." But I was hurting. And sad. It bothered me a lot.

One of the good things that came out of this season of my family's life is that we are all closer and more loving. I guess it's times where you lose such important people in your life, that you stop caring about the silly dumb things. That happened to me, anyway, and I'm not worried about my wedding at all. I still have strange dreams (the other night, I had a dream I was at my wedding and never saw Kevin! We kissed and he disappeared. And another where tons of people didn't show up and we wasted a lot of money!) But anyways, I'm just really happy that I'm going to start a new chapter of my life with my best friend, and to experience the joys of marriage. Praise God!

I have a lot of things I need to hand over to God. Such as: being fiercely protective over my girl friends. I've heard the quote "You are what you protect." And I guess it just really strikes a nerve in me to see my girlfriends hurt by Christian men, especially since so much of my life has been watching the women in my family getting hurt. When Christian men hurt women, it doesn't really make sense to me. Of course, they do not intend to (I can only pray and hope). Sometimes, they may not even know what they do wrong, which I still have a hard time dealing with. Anyways, I have a lot of single girl friends and this past year was RIDICULOUS. Maybe it's just this year specifically. But every close girl friend of mine seemed to get hurt by men who were so called Christian! So many stories, so many tears, so much anger boiled within me. I was goin' crazy! I was ready to go all Xena Warrior Princess status on all those guys' butts!!!!! For real!!!! I really need to pray to God for me to be kinder and gracious to those men. At a party, I saw one of them and didn't say anything, but I had like seven people asking me what was wrong! I guess it's written on my face. Or, I'm usually so loud and laughy that when I'm not everyone is worried. Dang... Only God knows what I'll be like if I'm the mother of tons of daughters. Honestly, I only want one daughter. Knowing God, I'll have like 7!! AHHHH!!!! Pray for me about this. I'm very protective of all my girl friends. I'm not excusing the men who hurt them, but I am going to have to answer to God one day and I just want to be more like Christ in this area of my life. It's only inevitable that some of my girl friends will be hurt within the next few years :( I am so blessed to have Kevin as my future husband, and that my prayers have been answered. I am so undeserving, and I guess I shouldn't be comparing every guy to him. But in a sense, and I'm speaking to my fellow engaged, married, or soon to be married gals: don't you want every girl to have a guy like yours? (I don't even know how I would respond if someone answered "No." lol)

Oh, and another quote I loved that I heard this year: "The best thing a father can do for his daughter is love her mother." And I had to think about it for a long time because it made very little sense to me, so I had to imagine what it would've been like for my dad to love my mom. Of course, I can say "Oh, that means it will set the standard for the man the daughter will desire to marry in the future." But it's different when you never experienced it.

Lots of reflection over the past year, and I'm only more aware of how pathetic and sinful I am. God is so gracious. I mean, I knew I was sinful, but MAN i am sinful! Ridiculous! This human nature thing is crampin' my style! HAHA. But anyways, God's really humbled me in many areas of my life...bringing to light parts of me that need to be conformed to what He wants, my fears, my idols, my anger toward anyone who hurts my girls...

It's really nice to have quiet time and reflection with God, and thus the revealing of sin occurs! It's really cool reading what God has said in the Bible too! I'm kind of freaking out and excited, because I'm closer to my goal of reading the entire bible! I just need to read the major and minor prophets. TOO BAD THAT'S LIKE THE TOUGHEST FOR ME TO UNDERSTAND, INTERPRET, AND APPLY!!!!!!!!! I dont know about anyone else, but man...seriously? I read the first 5 chapters of Isaiah today, and was like, "Israel...is such a bad nation!" HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO APPLY THAT TO MY LIFE??? Of course, I am sinful, just like the Israelites (Random fact: did you know that "Israelites" refers to the old Israel, like in Biblical times, so it's considered not correct to use that term for current Israel? That's why they call them "Israelis" today) And I do not hold to the belief that God has replaced Israel with the church. THIS STUFF IS HARD! Or maybe I'm just a dummy. Scratch that, I totally am. But I'm excited :) It's my first time reading the major and minor prophets!

Just wanted to blog before the year ends. Thank you, God, for everything. For being so gracious to a sinner like me! I'm such a coo coo and yet you love me. I can't wait to hug You :) One day.

sneak peak

LOVE IT!

Engagement Photos

Today was an action-packed and fun day! Jamie and I spent the morning and early afternoon together, getting a wedding day trial session for make up and hair, then we went over to meet Kevin at work in Cerritos mid-afternoon. From there, Kev drove us to Los Angeles at Pershing Square. We met our friend Fern Lee, who is an amazing photographer (she photographed 25 weddings last year!) We wanted to go with a winter/Christmas-themed photo shoot, and praise God, because the weather was perfect! And so was the site! There were so many colorful walls, holiday-themed Christmas lights, and of course the city backdrop was nice. Jamie was of course being the mom and carrying around all our props. Kevin felt weird because he's not used to wearing nice clothes lol!! We went to Forever 21 last week and were laughing because we saw Alejo at church wearing a gray jacket, and I knew immediately he got it from there too, because Kevin had tried that one on, along with 5 other jackets he wasn't too fond of! So anyways, of course we were laughing a lot, because Jamie was being Jamie and dictating how to pose:

(During a shot where Kevin and I are supposed to look at each other lovingly)
Jamie: "Kevin, look down and smile at Leigh Ann!"
Kevin:"I am smiling!"
Jamie: " You're so unnatural! Your eyebrows are too high!"

(During a shot where Kevin is holding me)
Jamie: "Kevin, okay, bend down more because you're too tall, then smile at the camera."
(Kevin bends down more and hunches over and looks up at the camera)
Jamie: "Ewwwww, you look like a creeper!"
Kevin: "I'm doing what you're asking for! What do you want me to do?!?!"

(During a shot where Kevin and I have our Bibles and are holding it in front of our faces, only revealing our eyes)
Jamie: "Kevin, why are you hunching over like that? You look like you're EATING your Bible!"
Kevin: "I am doing it because Leigh Ann is really short!"
Me: "HEY!"

The best photos are of me laughing really hard and Kevin doing an awkward smile or looking frustrated and annoyed at Jamie hahahahahhaha But seriously though, Jamie was a huge help; that's what made it even more of a special memory! Before Fern arrived, I asked Jamie to take a picture of me and Kevin by one of the Christmas trees:



Merry Christmas everyone! and Happy Birthday to Jesus!

so hard to do!

this week has been dedicated to making and sending wedding invites (which, btw, was a seriously funny adventure with jamie)...and to also sending messages thru fb to friends (mostly from my college christian fellowship) i haven't seen in a while, saying that i could only invite them to the ceremony and not the reception...and while we haven't talked in a while, i still feel like i know at least one of them will be hurt/sad/offended i wasnt able to invite them to the reception too. but the truth is: i seriously cannot afford them! lol a lot of people say "well, they will understand. it's expensive!" and i know that's true. plus, if they are true friends, they'll be happy bc i'm getting married and will be just as happy being invited to the ceremony only! but i really can't help but feel really sad at the thought of hurting anybody, especially since this is supposed to be a celebration! ayyyyy...this is on my mind bc i seriously spent the last hour sending out messages. maybe i should have done this at the beginning instead of end of the day lol

but on a brighter note: HELLO DECEMBER! it seems like only yesterday that it was last year's december, and christmas time. and so much has happened within one year! goodness! praise the Lord! it's been really tough planning a wedding with limited funds and a very filipino family. i feel SUPER blessed to go to a church which stresses the importance of marriage as a display of the gospel. i'm also very blessed bc i have sisters who are married and young and it's just really cool to share this journey together! tonight at bible study i got to talk to Ate Maritess for a while about how my mom is driving me crazy, and she was like, "That's probably how I made Dayne feel..." and i was like AHHHHH!!!!! lol seriously!!!! my mom and my family are crazy!!!!! but it's progressed from me being really sad...to really angry...to really frustrated...and now it's just become comedic and me having a face that is like "huhhhh?!??!" kevin always tries to comfort me and pats me on the back. "poor babe, dont worry. we'll be married soon!" YEAH BUT NOT SOON ENOUGH BUCKO!!!! hahahahha

i really feel like this whole wedding planning this is showing me how sinful i am! i seriously just...have no patience and no joy when my family and mom are saying things that hurt me or are trying to take over the whole wedding. in one sense, it's justifiable. and in another, it's not. i'm supposed to be self-sacrificing the way Christ is, but where do i draw the line? i really do feel like Kevin is God's act of mercy for me, to have a husband that will love me the way Christ loves the church, but also, to save me from the problems i go through within my home and family life. BAH humbug!

thanksgiving week was really wonderful. i got to see my dad's side of the family, who i haven't even seen in over a year! we were all calling my dad and asking him where he was but we received no call or texts back, so we are assuming he is out of the country somewhere. i also spent some good bonding time with my twin cousin and big butt, and we would spend hours just laughing and watching movies and eating and going to the mall. i think that once i'm married, i'll miss that the most. all 3 of us cuddled in a bed and staying up late and doing whatever we wanted. i can't even imagine switching up the holidays between families! i'll have to adjust, obviously.

God's been good to me and kevin! just when you thought i'd be able to see him more often since he has 1 full time job and going to school, WRONG. he sees me LESS! because he is like super focused on homework and getting stuff done outside of work...i'm a distraction :( LAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!! i'm sorry that i like to smile and make weird faces at him and start talking to him in strange voices. that's just the way i ammm mannn!!! hahahaha but yah, whenever i get to see him, i'm really happy! i seriously cannot wait to marry this guy!

i'm also reading a few books and hopefully will finish them before the year ends:

1. the Bible (going through the OT-now on Nehemiah)

2. This Momentary Marriage by John Piper

3. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

the last book is really random. but i never got to read any jane austen books during high school and wanna touch up on popular novels!

gonna try to sleep with this really loud wind outside. in 8 hours me and jamie are gonna go out to a bridal store appt to try on more dresses, and hopefully find some dresses for bridesmaids.

goodnight, world!