lessons learned in love & family

I came home this weekend to celebrate Bethany and Alejo's wedding! Oh my gosh what a beautiful couple and ceremony. I don't know them too well, except for the few times I go to Bible study, but I am really blessed by them. They are godly as a couple and individually, and that is such a rarity. I do not know many godly couples and many couples I know who proclaim themselves to be Christian still do questionable things. But for so many people to be witnesses (friends and family) to the fact that Bethany and Alejo are a godly couple was refreshing and wonderful, and it gave me hope. Jamie and I began to cry when we saw Alejo cry during the vows AHHH!!!! So much love between those two!!! As I sat there watching the ceremony of these two becoming husband and wife, I realized more and more just how UNREADY I am to get married, and how much I have learned from my past.

I'm 21 years-old, and have dated before. I was saved when I was 19 and was dating a friend named Sam, but we broke up because of distance and theological issues. At first, we had the same beliefs about gender roles but towards the end of our relationship, he stated that he thought we should take a more egalitarian approach to our relationship. That means he was unsure of being the spiritual leader. He's still a good friend of mine, but we don't really talk too much because it's inappropriate. Egalitarianism promotes equality of the sexes, which means that females are now seen as equal in role and can become pastors, spiritual leaders over men, etc. We talked about it, and how I still believed in complementarianism, where men and women were equal, but there are still specific roles men and women are supposed to fulfill. After a year of dating, we decided to just stay friends and he is now back in Missouri going to law school. I have a lot to thank him for though, because he was so adamant about treating me as a sister in Christ before a girlfriend. We held hands a lot, and there was a lot of importance based on purity. So when we decided we weren't each other's future husband and wife, the shift to becoming friends from lovers wasn't really too different. We still pray for one another and I am super blessed to have him as my brother in Christ. One thing that also helped is this- I had (and still have) a strong conviction not to say "I love you" so i never said it to him. If a guy is going to tell me he loves me, he better follow up with a ring lol seriously though. There is so much emotional attachment to the word "love" When I say it, I want to say it to the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I have been single for a while but looking back before I became a Christian, I dated a couple of guys and realized a lot about myself. For instance, because my dad left me at a young age, I've always desired to have a stable male figure in my life. My mom eventually remarried, but my stepdad was more like a spawn of satan as opposed to an angel, so I looked to dating as a way of filling this hole in my heart. Also, all my friends were dating so I thought it was the norm. When I became Christian, I was dating Sam and I am realizing now that I have never just been single and walking with the Lord until that fateful 9 months ago. And it's actually...really beautiful and a huge blessing. God is not only my heavenly Father who will never leave me, but also my husband: "For your Maker is your husband, the LORD of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called." (Isaiah 54: 5) Because of the fact that I am single, I am able to serve in ministry without hindrance or devotion to worldly matters (Paul refers to this in 1 Corinthians 7). I have been so blessed by my brothers and sisters in Christ at UCSB. It's going to be really sad leaving UCSB but I think it's time to enter into a new chapter in God's story. I am really excited to just come home and serve my family, and to enter into a new church. God's hand in my family is so evident and I can't help but praise Him for all the work that He is doing! My very Catholic grandma came to service with my mom and Joshua for the first time yesterday, and she said she liked it. I still need to continue praying, but it's encouraging talking to my mom and hear her singing Christian songs and choosing to go to service instead of Mass even when I'm away.

This random conversation also happened between Josh and me yesterday:

Josh: There was this pastor who thought God spoke specifically to him, but it isn't true.
Me: Really? Why not?
Josh: Because it says in the last book of Revelation, that God has already spoken.
Me: Ohhh..where did you learn that?
Josh: At bible study from Kevin.

WHAAAAAAAAT THE...soo random. I never knew any of that when I was 14! And then he started talking about shoes or something else irrelevant and only 14 year old boys care about lol But it's times like that, where I see fruit and God just being so kind and merciful to my family. I am a first generation Christian, which is kinda heartbreaking, but at the same time I am given the privilege to start a godly lineage. I need to stay committed to Scripture and committed to evangelism. For every person I know who doesn't know Christ, I was placed into their life to preach the gospel. Easier said than done though, especially when most of my family doesn't know Christ. But it's all gravy! God is working, not me! I just gotta be obedient and trusting in Him.

At the beginning of today I read Psalm 91 and 92, and the first three chapters of Romans. I'm doing this one year Bible reading plan and have been enjoying going through the Word. I couldn't wrap my head around this! How beautiful God is and how faithful He is to us:

"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him,
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
-Psalm 91: 14-16

IT'S SOOOO INTIMATE! I long for that intimacy with God. my goodness. how sweet. this psalmist really loves God and thirsts for Him "As a deer pants for flowing streams, so my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God." (Psalm 42:1-2) and then another similar passage in Psalm 63: 1-3: "O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you, my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary; beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you." and then reading Romans...about atonement and propitiation...and how we are saved by faith and not by works. I hear it all the time it seems, but it just strikes a chord and I am just in awe of this thing we call grace. I do NOT get it! How amazing. Sometimes people ask me how old I am and I want to say I'm 3 years old, even though I'm 21. I really could not see, was not truly living, until the Lord opened my eyes. So really, I think I'm 3!

So this weekend was a great one. I am really sick and still at home with my mommy taking care of me, and catching up on reading. But as I look back on my life, in my experiences and motives for dating, and how life is now as a Christian, I see dating in a different light. I don't want to date anymore. I just want my next one to my last one, and I pray for my family and future family (including my brothers' future wives, and my future husband and children). Not only that though, but I couldn't help but feel a little bit of envy at seeing how many members of Bethany and Alejo's families knew the Lord and supported them in prayer. Bethany's dad is hilarious and gave her away, but it hurts to know that my dad is "giving me away" when in reality he was never there to take care of me in the first place. Thank the Lord I have a new family of believers to support me, but I really wish I had that in my blood family. Which is why, I'm kinda glad that for the next few years I can minister to my family in my singleness. Hopefully, by the time I'm up at an altar with my future husband, my little brother can be one of his groomsmen and be mature in Christ and praying for me too. He's only 14 right now but I love him to death and hope God does a mighty work in him and the rest of my family members.

I'm graduating in 3 weeks. I'm excited for what God has in store for me.

R.I.P. Andee Banrasavong

"Now listen, you who say 'Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.' Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." -James 4: 13-17

Knowing that my sister Andee has gone to heaven has been a really crazy wake-up call. My gosh, she was so young. Only 22, engaged, and thinking so much about the future. Next week is our fellowship's Senior Banquet and she had turned in her questionnaire earliest of us all. It's not going to be the same without her. She was so gentle, and sweet, and loving. We bonded a lot because of our love for Jamielyne and how we felt like Brian was always racist towards us for being South East Asian, dark, and with small eyes (she was Laotian, I was Filipina) Ironic thing is, BRIAN IS THAI, DARK, AND HAS SMALL EYES TOO! Obviously he has some self-hatred complex or is in denial or something lol.

Andee and I were friends, but we weren't the closest of friends. We would smile and catch up quickly whenever we got the chance, but her death really has affected me in ways she will never know. Well, one day she'll know, when we're in heaven one day and I go “HEY GIRL, I'VE MISSED YOU! ” It's just weird to think, that in one way I'm jealous because she is with Jesus, and I'm jealous of Jesus because he gets to be with her too! But can one even begin to imagine what it feels like to be in His arms? It kinda makes my heart beat really fast and takes my breath away. To meet this God-man who died for us because of this grace nobody can comprehend or understand, who died for us even when we didn't deserve it and rose from the dead? How beautiful and pure and glorious He is! I don't even understand how Jesus would even WANT to hug and be with me! I'm sinful, and I don't pay as much attention to Him as I should, and I do struggle with making idols of every day things (like money and career, reputation, marital status, beauty, etc.) And to think, that even with all my flaws, He STILL loves me! Amazing and I still can't grasp it.

Praise God that Andee was saved and is now spending eternity with Him!

...but I am still here, and obviously God's purpose for Andee was fulfilled, and it makes me think about how I'm spending my days here on earth. It's frustrating and annoying to do things just to survive (paying off bills and taxes, doing homework and reports, cleaning up, running errands for the house, etc.) but what about my ministry? At UCSB I serve on student leadership within Asian American Christian Fellowship. I love that fellowship! It was during my freshman year of college at a winter retreat sponsored by them that I accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior of my life. So my heart goes out to this fellowship, and when I graduate, I'll continue to pray for the new freshmen and transfers. I also disciple 2 younger sisters, Jessica (sophomore) and Rhena (freshman), who also accepted Christ during their freshman year. Jessica is just an adorable bundle of joy who is so in love with Jesus it shines! And Rhena, is so encouraging! I was teaching her about the inerrancy and infallibility of the Bible, about the differences between natural and special revelation, and she was asking questions like “What does sovereignty mean?” and once I'd answer, she would go, “Wow...God is so amazing..” AGH they are so thirsty and hungry it's so beautiful! I've talked to brothers and sisters of the faith who tell me that they are somewhat jealous, because they grew up in the Christian household and never understood what it felt like to be excited about Jesus since they were used to it. I hope that Rhena, Jessica, and I never understand what the means. But even after 3 years of being in the faith, and going through the motions, I watch Jessica and Rhena and am inspired. It's so sad to “get used” to the Christian lifestyle. It's so easy to forget the reasons why we do what we do.



Oh goodness. After I graduate in 4 weeks, I'll be moving back home to be with my family and to work part time while doing school for nursing. No more serving in AACF, but it's time to go back to Mommy and Joshua. I've been praying for a long time about finding a solid home church that the three of us can go to, but I'm not sure that it's plausible. Joshua has been so blessed by the Filipino bible study he has been going to. After having a serious talk with him a few days ago, and being even more convicted after Andee's death and from a conversation with a good brother, Josh told me that he felt like he was learning so much at this bible study and he was glad he made new friends. I told him that he needed to take faith in Jesus seriously, that life wasn't guaranteed because one day soon he could die, and depending on where he stands in his beliefs, he will be in heaven or hell. It's SO SCARY, not to know the future, but God is sovereign and THAT is comforting. My prayer is that Joshua grow up with godly brothers his age, and older, to lead him and to have great foundational doctrine in Jesus Christ. I've been wanting Joshua to have older brothers to look up to, and this church has a PLETHORA of men to lead him lol I need to continue to pray about this. If I decide to bring Joshua to this church as a homechurch, most likely my mommy won't be joining us because it's too far. But if I do choose this church, Joshua will be learning such great teaching of the Word (and he's already said he feels like he's learning so much) and he will have brothers to turn to during his high school years coming up. He is so young, and he seems so interested in church and I told him that I wanted to send him off to Mount Hermon (a Christian camp I've heard about from friends) this summer and he was excited. I feel like the Spirit is working so much in my household, and especially in my little brother, and to know that seeds are being planted is comforting. If one day, I am taken away at an early age as well, I hope that Joshua still grows up with an understanding of who Jesus is and what He has accomplished on the cross. I love my little brother. I'm always going to try and point him to the Word for answers. It's nice to see him opening up his bible and reading. I feel like my heart is so big it's gonna burst when it comes to my family. But God has done so much already in these last 3 years, what makes me think that He is going to stop? I need to continue to press on in persistent prayer like that persistent widow in Luke 18!

Man, crazy lessons being learned this past year...