"He loved God. That was the supreme dynamic of his life."-Elisabeth Elliot

engaged to my homie g!

PRAISE THE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!!!!!!!! yay for marriage! kev proposed to me april 16, 2011 :) It's amazing, really. Not only did God send His Son Jesus Christ to die on a cross and forgive us of our sins, but to give me Kevin too as my future husband and spiritual leader? So much grace, it's too much. I'm SUPER excited for the world to see Christ's love for the church displayed in our future marriage :D

Warning: this is going to be a LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG entry hahaha...

I've heard many times within sermons that marriage shows you how much of a sinner you are. It's like your spouse is a walking mirror. I never completely understood it over the years. I'd dated before in the past but never was as serious about anyone as I am about Kevin, and it's the first time in my life that I'm in love (which is so beautiful, this feeling and emotion that God allows us to have, it's overwhelming and makes your heart beat fast yet makes it stop beating at the same time. You've got the butterflies in the stomach, your skin feels tingly when you're by that special someone. It seems like breathing is even difficult to do when the other person is around, and you can't ever really be yourself when they're gone! It gives you something to look forward to.... but i digress!)

I think that the beginning of our relationship, I was extremely ideal (and there's nothing wrong with that, but if it doesn't happen the way you plan you get thrown off a little bit). I guess I had this idea in my head about what having your future spouse would be like-something akin to perfection in holiness. But becoming Christian and reading the Bible has been opening my eyes to bigger realities....Marriage is for mutual sanctification, is it not? I really thought in the past that it would be this amazing relationship where you would become a "better Christian" but not through much trials (it sounds really lame saying it now, but I'm being honest). Like, one day I would find the man of my dreams and we would get together and go to church and serve in ministries, get married and have children and it would be super smooth and happy... but if someone would ask me what i learned throughout our relationship, I HAVE to answer: "How much of a sinner I am and how dependent I am on God's grace." Any ideal expectations I had was slowly being messed with by God soon after getting together, especially after our "first fight" I don't know how to explain my sinfulness during these times other than, when another person gets you mad or hurts your feelings, all of your pride rushes to the surface and lashes out, either in words or in tears. Thank God for grace, because Kevin and I have learned each other's communication styles and are quick to forgive if one of us unintentionally hurts the other. As much as this is far from my previous expectations of a smooth happy perfect relationship, I'm happy it is this way! Why? Because the bad makes you appreciate the good even more. I mean, HE HAS TO DEAL WITH ME AND MY FLAWS THE REST OF HIS LIFE!!! Poor guy lol He is seriously so good and kind and patient to me. I am happy to look back on the tough times and see how we overcame it, how we learned so much about ourselves and each other, and how good God is during all seasons. And of course, we've had other obstacles to hurdle over. We barely fight, thank God, I don't think I could handle being in a relationship where there is constant disagreements! But I do struggle with a lot of sadness and resentment over my family's reaction to my engagement. For example, Kevin tried to contact my dad and left messages on his phone so he could get his blessing to propose to me, but my dad never called him back. When we met up for lunch with some cousins, I brought Kevin along, and it was awkward bc Kevin had to tell him about how he proposed to me. My dad just looked at us and said "Yeah, I had a feeling that's why you called me." And I was like, "Well, then, why didn't you call him back so you could talk about it?" He just looked at me and shrugged. He seriously did not care! Kevin's had to comfort me a lot from the hurt I go through, and he has to gently rebuke me when my anger goes too far. Kevin's also good at pointing out when I focus on the negative and how I should look at the good things about how my family's responded. For instance, my mommy went through so much in helping to plan for the proposal! She was so sweet and funny throughout the entire thing. And my twin cousin, even though she prefers I wait a longer time before getting married, came and cheered and was happy for me nonetheless, and that meant the world to me because I look up to her a lot.

Most of my family thinks I'm crazy for getting married young, and that it's too soon and that we need to be financially stable. I tried to explain that we wanted to get married to glorify God, and that we love each other very much. God would provide too, it's not like financial stability is guaranteed. When asked about why we needed to get married so soon, I would explain to them from the Bible that it says "it is better to marry than to burn with passion." meaning that if one struggles with lust, they should get married as soon as possible in order to avoid sinning. I've even had some family members tell me that if that's the case, we should just have sex and get married later on in life, when financially stable. Or they say that we should just wait, as if it's the easiest thing in the world to do. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that there are couples who can wait and date anywhere between 2-10 years before marriage and still be pure, but that's an exception, not the rule. I know that the majority of couples i'm close to have struggled with lust, and some have compromised and made mistakes. Kev and I want to avoid that as much as possible. Even thoughts can become impure, and you don't even have to be in a relationship to struggle with that. How much more will the struggles intensify if there is someone you want to marry by your side? We prioritize holiness and purity over financial security, it's as simple as that.

Kevin and I have had to go through our own set of trials in this relationship, and I know there are many more ahead. But if God has helped us to overcome those few, He will be faithful in helping us to overcome the future trials for further mutual sanctification.

In some wedding ceremonies, couples insert their names to replace "love" in the famous 1 Corinthians 13 passage: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends." So then it would go something like, "Kevin and Leigh Ann are patient and kind, they do not envy or boast, they are not arrogant or rude. They do not insist on their own way, they are not irritable or resentful....Kevin and Leigh Ann bear all things..." I must confess, I have not been perfect in loving Kevin. And neither has he, and in truth none of us are perfect in loving except Jesus Christ. And it's beautiful to know that in sanctification, we are becoming more and more like our Savior!

I kind of feel like I've been a big downer, talking about how sinful I am and all the struggles we've faced in this relationship, so I'm gonna end with a few highlights of what I've gone through these past few months!

It's absolutely WONDERFUL being with another person who loves Christ. I know that Kevin loves Christ more than me, and vice versa. Again, we are sinful and not perfect and definitely not perfect in loving Christ, but to know that the intention is there is always encouraging. We want our future children to know that Christ is always first and the head of our home. It's heartwarming to hear Kevin pray for our relationship (which is usually before meals since we always eat together), and I'm excited to know that every night before we sleep he can pray for us too (I know my married friends Jason and Ann do that, which is cuuuuuuuute!) I love how I can read the Bible and share with him all the things i learn, and how he usually has a lot more input to add that i never thought of or knew. He was raised in the church and went to Sunday school all his life, but I haven't, so sometimes he asks about what i've learned I'm like "ahh you already know this..." and he goes, "No, share it with me." For example, the other day I was like "OMG what the heck! Saul keeps trying to kill David. Why does David keep hanging around? Saul tries to throw spears while David is playing the music" and how David could have killed Saul when Saul went into the same cave David was in to relieve himself! and then we started laughing and making fun of David and Saul lol strange humor hahaha and then I told him about how I read about Solomon and how it's so boring going through genealogies, that the last few chapters I read have been about his officials and building the temple and building his palace. Kevin's like, "yeah, it may seem boring, but we do need to know the details..." etc etc. He can help me to understand the Word better and lead me and we can be convicted together. I love going to the same church, how I can always save a seat next to me and while he goes up to play drums/bass I can know he'll be by my side right after.

For as long as I can remember, everyone has always said that we should get together. "it was sooooo obvious you liked each other" they would say, and once we did get together a lot of people were like, "FINALLY!!!!!!" hahahaha, what? 8 years is too long or something? Amazingly, within 8 years of friendship, God saved me somewhere inbetween. In fact, when Kevin met me at the tender age of 14, he knew he wanted to marry me and prayed that one day I would become saved so he could marry me! Who knew God would answer him :) the vain prayer of a little boy lol so cute!!!! aww!! Personality-wise, we have similar thought processes and have always been able to finish each other's sentences ever since we were 14. It gets to a point where we try to make the same joke before the other can, and it makes me happy that it hasn't changed even though that was over 8 years ago. Our church's pastor's daughter Elisha likes to call us "the laughy couple" since we're always laughing and loud and crazy haha and it's just really fun to be with someone to laugh through life together. It's just SO nice to be next to him, we can spend all day doing nothing and i would be super happy! In fact, I am. We do a whole lot of nothing lol I'm too tired from nursing school to go out and be adventurous!

Well, I'm 22 years-old and engaged and loving life. God has been so good, blessing me with eternal life through His Son Jesus Christ. I'm really looking forward to the rest of my life with Kevin, I'm at a great place! Nursing school is tough but it's all good in the hood, yo! I've got a good man by my side, and he's leading me and we're gonna laugh and pray and just be happy together!

Again, PRAISE GOD! Please keep us in your prayers!! :)

my Provider

So much has happened the last few days, namely Japan's 8.9 earthquake and the horrible aftermath that ensued. Tsunamis and aftershocks, over 4 million homes destroyed in Tokyo and God knows what else (and WHO was destroyed along with it...) I was studying for a test while I found out, and I was also facebooking, and one minute the thing that stressed me out most was what grade I would get to the reality that you never know when disaster will hit. I have friends who have family in Japan, and a few friends that are there right now too for school. It was horrific! But it makes you think about what truly matters. And I thought about Jesus and life, and it hurt to realize that Japan has an extremely low Christian population. I'm not saying that Christians are any better than non-Christians, in fact, true Christianity is all about human beings being sinners and unworthy and how God is so gracious and loving to extend to us eternal life through faith in His Son Jesus Christ. One of the biggest differences between a believer and non-believer is that believers are sure of where they are going after they die, and that's heaven. I was so sad, the reality of all those people dying and in tragedy, and how many of those people are NOT in heaven at this moment. They are in hell. Tough words to say, but it's the truth, and it's scary. Kevin and I talked on the phone once he got back from Shepherd's Conference, and I told him about how I was so sad and worried. I was worried bc it's only a matter of time before a natural disaster hits California. We've been waiting for a huge earthquake since the big one hit San Francisco almost a 100 years back.

I frantically asked, "What would we do if you and I were separated? An earthquake may hit us in the next decade! We may have children at that time. What if we couldn't contact each other on the phone? What if one of us died? What if our extended family died? How would we contact each other??"

And calmly, he responded, "What happened to Japan was horrible. It's a tragedy, but God is in control. He has a perfect plan and this is what He wants to happen. And once tragedy happens to us, we will TRUST GOD. And He will have us right where He wants us, and we will be strong and have faith. We'll deal with it when it happens."

I felt so foolish and naive, to be so worrisome about the future events of what "could be." And extremely thankful that I have a man who is leading me who trusts God, and teaches me by example to be trusting in situations that seem hopeless. We have a living hope, afterall.

Today was my discipler Ate Rona's baby shower (praise the Lord for another baby!) which seems to be funny timing, to be celebrating the gift of new life as a natural disaster hits to take thousands of lives away in another country. Pastor was talking to us in his sermon about how God gives children as gifts to parents, as legacies or as liabilities, since we all die and need someone to pass on our name. He mentioned how Japan spent millions of dollars on infrastructure that would stand tall during an earthquake and not break apart, but those builders still could not foresee a tsunami damaging those same buildings. He emphasized how we live in a culture that raises children to be the smartest, to grow to be the richest, but what good does that do, if they are not raised to be brothers and sisters in Christ, and live life here on this earth only to die and end up in hell? Japan spent millions of dollars on these buildings, and we can spend a lot of our lives trying our hardest to save up for a home or for nice things, like cars and purses and clothes, but if we are doing it without God's hand blessing us then it's all in vain.

Proverbs 22: 6 says "Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it." and Deuteronomy 6 talks about having God in all aspects of life and teaching children about God. Matthew 6 is also a great chapter about God being the provider of all things, that even if he provides for the birds of the air and clothes plants beautifully, how much more his beloved children? Verse 33 states "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be added unto you." and Hebrews 13:5 says "Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

It was also really interesting, because Kevin got me a book called "A Visual Guide to Bible Events" by Martin, Beck, and Hensen, and I've been reading and learning a lot about the insights into where Bible events happened and why. One section is based on the book of Genesis and talks about how Abram was in the Promised Land but left it for Egypt because of a famine. Apparently the Promised Land of Canaan had a much more austere and challenging natural environment than most readers realized, and not a very stable supply of water (which was VITAL for those cities in Mesopotamia, because if there was no watter supply, there would be no food and a lot of struggling and famines).They relied on the seasonal rainfall for maturing the grain fields. Abram took his wife Sarai outta there and went to Egypt because Egypt enjoyed a river-based hydrology that tapped into the ever-flowing waters of the Nile River. Also, Abram came from southeastern Mesopotamia, a land with a similar hydrology system to that of Egypt, so he knew the security of living in Egypt and the benefits that came along with it. My whole point about this, is that the security offered by the benefits of Egypt didn't encourage faith and trust in the Lord in the same way the seemingly tough and famine-stricken Promised Land could. Financial security doesn't guarantee anything! Abram ended up learning that what's seemingly stable doesn't benefit him, and even let Lot choose which land to have in chapter 13. Lot chose what was seemingly more stable and had a stable water supply but that didn't work out for his benefit either, since God brought about their complete destruction not soon thereafter. Abram learned that he needed to trust God, even if it didn't make sense or wasn't easy. Another interesting thing I learned! Whenever people traveled east in the book of Genesis, it was NEVER good thing! After the decision to rebel against God, Adam and Eve moved east from the Garden of Eden (Gen. 3:24), Cain was forced to move east after murdering his brother (Gen 4:16), and those who conspired to build the Tower of Babel moved east (Gen. 11:1-2). Lot moved in the direction of fresh water which was also in the eastern direction.

Every now and then I struggle with worrying about finances in the future. I have thousands of loans because of my schooling, and Kevin has a part-time job and is still looking for a second job (or full time job). We really don't have all that much, and it's not gonna be stable. I actually grew up in a home full of financial struggling and I hated it! So for me to go through that again makes me cringe and get cranky lol but seriously, I don't wanna deal with it all over again! But I always tend to be hit on the head with the Biblical reality that I can never be financially stable enough unless the Lord's hand is on me, and even then, the Lord may not ever want me and Kevin to be financially stable or rich and livin' the "good life"....but that's also really cool, because Kev and I will grow stronger and depend on God more throughout the tough times. The economy really sucks right now, and my friends have told me stories about how couples have divorced because of depression of being laid off from companies, and how there's a lot of fighting and a lack of reconciliation afterwards. You can spend all your life saving for a mortgage, good education, a high paying job, retirement benefits, and if God wants to, He'll take it away LIKE THAT. What a reality about what matters and what doesn't. I'm learning about how fickle I am, how I worry for no apparent reason, my lack of trust and faith in the One who created me and saved me. God forgive me for my lack of faith and trust. But I'm learning, and God is slowly refining me. I'm a slow learner when it comes to this stuff! It's easy to grasp intellectually, but to actually live it out? Easier said than done. I need God's help every day.

10 ways to love

1. Listen without interrupting. (Proverbs 18)
2. Speak without accusing. (James 1:19)
3. Give without sparing. (Proverbs 21:26)
4. Pray without ceasing. (Colossians 1:9)
5. Answer without arguing. (Proverbs 17:1)
6. Share without pretending. (Ephesians 4:15)
7. Enjoy without complaint. (Philippians 2:14)
8. Trust without wavering. (Corinthians 13:7)
9. Forgive without punishing. (Colossians 3:13)
10. Promise without forgetting. (Proverbs 13:12)

do you hear what I hear?

My mommy got Kevin and me some new winter coats as Christmas presents! Woohoo! Check it out ------------>

Where did 2010 go? Merry Merry Merry Christmas!!!! I can't believe it's the day after Christmas already, it just reminds me that time passes by faster as I get older. I celebrated with my mom's side of the family and we went to a midnight candlelight service at Hollywood Presbyterian Church. Kevin's family invited us and it was so beautiful! I loved it there. I've only been to a few Christian churches since I was saved 4 years ago, so the whole church scene (contemporary, traditional...and this refers to worship to architectural styles) is still pretty new to me in some sense! My mom's side of the family went to Catholic Mass and we met back home afterwards to open presents (we open them midnight!)

The Christmas sermon was a sweet one. The pastor talked about how God came into a world of ruins because He loved us enough. Why would anyone want to come into a world like ours, filled with ruins and disease and hatred and strife and pain? He used the verses John 1:1, 15 "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God...The Word became flesh and dwelt among us." Many times I'm overwhelmed with God's love for me, and I still do not love Him the way He deserves, or commands me, or expects of me. It's still really tough because a lot of friends ask me, "Do you love God?" and I hesitate. Of course I do. But how do I explain the complexity of it? Love sounds so simple but it really isn't. How do I explain, "Yes, I do love God, but not nearly as much as He loves me and I don't give Him what He deserves, I don't surrender fully to Him my thoughts and my actions and my free time and it's still so difficult to involve Him in every aspect of my life. and YES. I do love Him, but I am only able to do so because He loved me first!" Usually people only want a yes or no answer lol oopsie poopsie!

Ever since I started nursing school, I've gotten busier and so much more tired. I miss my free time. I miss the summer, when I just got to spend the ENTIRE day reading the Bible and theology and spending time in fellowship. But I'm thankful for that time period, it was preparing me for now, when i have to get back to being busy and such. There are specific things I really want to study for: the Trinity and the deity of Christ, the Reformation (its leaders and Church History) and theological perspectives (Reformed, Charistmatic, Dispensationalism, etc.)...I actually just really want to finish my Systematic Theology book by Grudem but that will take forever. I have so many books I have yet to finish. They're collecting dust unfortunately. I'm not going to complain about how nursing takes up all my time though. I actually really love nursing and am thankful for enjoying it!

Praise God for sending His Son Jesus Christ who is fully human and fully God to die on a cross for my sins. We have a lot to be merry about on Christmas. Thank God for salvation.

consider it pure joy (trials)

Today was a humbling experience. I was humiliated in front of others because of my shortcomings and I wanted to cry. I almost did, but I think it would have made things worse. But by the end of the day, God had mercy and helped me to redeem myself by accomplishing what I needed to do. Denggg....it's just one of them days!

Additionally, I'm healing from a really bad cough and cold. Thank God! Sickness really causes my body to yearn for the glorification of our future bodies. I can't even imagine having perfect bodies, the way Adam and Eve did before the Fall.

I have a Phil Wickham CD and the first song is called "Eden" and it's really very beautiful. I listen to it every now and then. Here are the lyrics which really move me:

When the first light brightened the dark
Before the breaking of the human heart
There was You and there was me
Innocence was all I knew
'Cause all I had to know was You
We were running underneath the trees

I wanna see you face to face
Where being in your arms is the permanent state
I want it like it was back then
I wanna be in Eden

I remember how'd You call my name
And I would meet You at the garden gate
How the glory of Your love would shine
And I remember when the stars were young
You breathed life into my lungs
Oh I never felt so alive

I wanna see you face to face
Would be in your arms is the permanent state
I want it like it was back then
I wanna be in Eden

To be naked and unashamed
In a sweet down pour of innocent rain
I want it like it was back then
I wanna be in Eden

Where my eyes can see the colors of glory
My hands can reach the heaven before me
Oh, my God I wanna be there with You
Where our hearts will beat with joy together
And love will reign forever and ever
Oh my God I wanna be there with You

I want to be in Eden, too.

for granted

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." Psalm 51:12

What a tough week. But I really am amazed at how easy it is for me to find things to complain about when I have a gift that is more precious than anything else--eternal life, through faith in Jesus Christ. I am a sinner saved by grace, and I'm learning how to take into account that I shouldn't be so sure of myself even after time and experiences with family, friends, and circumstances, and that I need to rely on God more for my shortcomings. Even though my emotions are going against me, I need to stand firm and stop being prideful that I won't commit the same sins to those I love: "Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall. No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful..." (1 Cor 10: 12-13) It's so easy to be frustrated when people don't respond the way you want them to during certain conversations. It's so easy to take advantage of God's grace. If i have ever gotten hit over the head with how much I cannot do and how much of God's grace I need, this is one of those weeks. It was like one thing after another. But I'm thankful, because God has His reasons for letting these things happen and He is sovereign and this is all for my sanctification; even when I mess up and fail and don't respond properly (which i have done over and over and over again in my life) and sin, I am able to confess my sins and approach the throne of grace confidently because of Jesus Christ as my Mediator, each time I repent. Praise God. Now really, how can I ever take that for granted? These lapses of spiritual drought and sadness make no sense, but I'm human and fallen and a lame-o! Sigh. God is so good, and I'm just looking into a mirror of how much I don't deserve His grace and mercy.

I am still learning to see just how ugly this sin really is....God is kinder and more forgiving than I will ever understand. I need prayer.